Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social MediaSample

DEALING WITH FLIRTY MESSAGES VIA SOCIAL MEDIA

If you and your spouse are involved in social media, the possibility always exists that one or the other of you may receive flirtatious or inappropriate messages from someone on Facebook. It’s important that the two of you come up with a joint plan for dealing with communications of this nature.

If a message of this kind reaches one of you over the Internet, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss it together. It’s important to be open and honest and lay everything out on the table. Don’t get angry. Don’t accuse or blame. Instead, use “I-based” language. If your spouse is the recipient, tell him or her exactly how you feel and what you experience when you see flirtatious messages coming over the Internet. Get his or her feedback about it. Have a heart-to-heart discussion about the best way of handling the situation.

Bear in mind that online flirting is really no different than any other type of flirting. Try to approach the situation just as you would if someone had approached your spouse inappropriately at a party or some other social event. Be humble and sensitive. Bring all your best communication skills into play and make the preservation of your marriage the number-one priority.

Once you’ve talked the matter through, move on to a discussion of boundaries. Ask your spouse what can be done to put a stop to the inappropriate messages. Be open with one another about your respective expectations for social media. Work together to draw up a list of Facebook “best practices.” If the two of you have been maintaining separate Facebook pages, we strongly suggest that you share your passwords with one another and maintain an “open door policy” where Facebook communications are concerned. Make sure that icons, photos, and any other visual images posted on the page remind visitors of your marital relationship. Use pictures that show husband and wife together. The whole point is to design a page that reflects the couple’s identity as a unit. This in itself will discourage flirtatious messages from individuals whose motives are less than honorable.

The recipient of such messages can draw a line in the sand by telling the person on the other end, “If you don’t cease and desist I will unfriend you.” If the flirting continues, go ahead and block that individual. Meanwhile, remember that you don’t necessarily have to deal with this problem via Facebook. In the Internet world it’s important to know when it’s time to “take things off-line.” If it seems appropriate, contact this person by phone and have a serious conversation about the matter. Be sure to let your words and actions be guided by objective standards of propriety rather than by emotions.