The Money Mentor: A 7-Day Plan To Financial HealthSample

End Financial Enabling

“Mom, if you and my siblings had not enabled me over the years, I’d be much better off financially now,” Eric lamented. 

His words cut Vickie to her heart. 

The family had indeed enabled Eric by extending loans he never repaid, allowing him to skip out on his share of chores, etc. He was the youngest of eight and “yes” just seemed like the only “caring” response to his constant requests—after all, their parent’s divorce when he was only six years old seemed to have affected him the most. 

Vickie has a big heart but knows she is an enabler and wants to stop. The most important step she has to take is to become a broken record in saying no.  She must learn that “no” doesn’t mean “I don’t care about you.” In fact, it can mean the exact opposite: “I care too much about you to assist you in continuing to be irresponsible.”

What all enablers have in common is that they care about somebody who is out of control. The problem is that their desire to help is often greater than the person’s desire to get help. By refusing to exercise tough love, the enabler creates personal stress and emotional pain for themselves. 

Many times, enabled people demonstrate great resentment toward their enabler. Perhaps they are angry that they won’t pull the plug and force them out of the pit of their irresponsibility.

I believe that enabling is a mercy gift taken to the extreme. But, fear not! Such “destructive helpers” can find the balance if they are willing to acknowledge two critical realities:

1. The emotional payoff of being needed. Yes, it feels good to solve a problem and to think you are adding value to someone’s life, but enabling does the opposite—it devalues.
2. The detriment of enabling others. It can lower their self-esteem and cause them to remain dependent on the enabler. It can also encourage them to underperform, as well as resent and resist those who attempt to hold their feet to the fire in an effort to make them responsible.

Since enabling is detrimental to the enabler and the enabled, why not decide today to begin the process of ending it? 

“Lord, give me the strength and the courage to stop my ‘destructive helping’ and to allow my irresponsible loved ones to experience the consequences of their behavior and learn to live in a way that glorifies You. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.”