Happily By Kevin ThompsonSample

The Kindness of Listening

While no relationship is perfect, good relationships are characterized by good communication, which, in part, demands that we recognize we are bad at communicating. Some couples are deceived into thinking that individually they are capable communicators—those are the couples who seldom communicate well. Good communication begins with a recognition of the difficulty of the process. Yet healthy couples learn, grow, and develop proper communication. Meekness empowers the growth. The result is that both spouses feel "heard".

Notice it’s a feeling. It’s not enough for a husband just to hear his wife. She has to feel as though she has been heard. While a husband is not ultimately responsible for his wife’s feelings, he is responsible for doing everything in his power to give her the opportunity to have that feeling of being heard. She owes him the same.

Creating a climate in which a spouse feels heard is as simple as learning some basic communication techniques. No one is born a good listener. We must develop the skills—through learning and practice—to become good listeners and Scripture teaches us how to.

Stop talking. It’s that simple. You can’t listen while talking. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. (Proverbs 17:28) Your spouse needs a chance to speak. Stop preparing your response. We add to our understanding when we listen: Let the wise listen and add to their learning, (Proverbs 1:5). Respond after your spouse finishes talking. Focus on what they are saying, not what you will say next.

Desire to know your spouse’s opinion. Just wanting to hear what they have to say aids listening. Also, ask if you heard them correctly. Before responding, clarify what your spouse has said. “Are you saying . . . ?” is a great question. Until they agree that they’re saying what you think they’re saying, you aren’t ready to respond.

Listening well is loving well. We listen to those we love. This is practice for becoming fully engaged. You aren’t perfect. You don’t know everything you should do. But listening is a part of being humble, teachable, and willing to work. Couples invested as good listeners are working to happily create a vibrant lasting marriage.

Practice listening to your spouse today. What is hard about not preparing a response and simply listening to their words?