Help For A Hurting MarriageSample

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

Processing Anger in a Healthy Way

We know that the human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. God shows anger at injustice, and also at sin, because it is harmful to us, His beloved. Our valid anger can also be stirred by injustice and sin. But often in daily life, we need to process anger toward someone with whom we have a relationship, whether a family member, roommate, friend, work associate, neighbor — anyone with whom we have an ongoing relationship. 

I suggest a five-step process for dealing with valid anger. 

(1) Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

(2) Restrain your immediate response. Refuse to take the action that you typically take when feeling angry. Remember the commonsense advice of counting to ten? It is good advice, but many of us need to count to 100 or even 1000. I suggest that you count out loud. If you are in the presence of the person at whom you are angry, I suggest you leave. Take a walk as you count. About halfway around the block when you come to 597, you will probably be in a mental and emotional state where you can say, “Lord, You know that I am angry. I believe what they have done is wrong. Please help me make a wise decision about how to respond in this situation.” Then with God you begin to look at your options. 

(3) Locate the focus of your anger. Ask yourself, Why am I so angry? Is it what my spouse (or another person) has said or done? Is my anger toward the person influenced by something that happened at work today or in my childhood years ago? The secondary issue is, how serious is the offense? Someone not showing up on time is certainly not on the same level as someone being abusive. Some wrongs are minor and some are major.

(4) Analyze your options. It is now time to ask, What are the possible actions I can take? As I see it, there are only two options for a Christian. One is to lovingly confront the person. If you choose to do this option, do it gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions.

The other is to consciously decide to overlook the matter. There are times when the best Christian option is to admit that yes, you have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value. This is releasing the anger to God. It is giving up the right to take revenge, which, according to Scripture, is always God’s prerogative (see Rom. 12:19), and it is refusing to let what happened eat away at your own sense of well-being. 

(5) Take constructive action. If you choose to let the offense go, then you should share this decision with God. “Lord, You know what has happened. You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel. But I really believe that the best thing to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to You. I know you are a righteous God, so I trust You do to what is right by the person. I also release my anger to You. Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that come to me over the next few days. Thank you that I am Your child and You will take care of me.”

REACT: Can you think of a recent situation when you applied any of these steps? How about when you didn’t but should have? How might the situation have turned out differently? Ask God to help you be alert and prepared for the next time you have valid reason to be angry.