The Leadership Style of JesusSýnishorn

Day 4: Forgiving and Forgetting

The first Christians learned forgiveness from the example of Jesus himself. At the darkest moment of the Lord’s life, he pleaded with the Father to forgive his executioners (Luke 23:32-34). Sometime later, the first Christian martyr Stephen prayed a nearly identical prayer as he was being stoned to death by his persecutors: “Lord, do not hold this sin against them” (Acts 7:60).

Authentic forgiveness not only says, “I hold nothing against you,” but it also wants the guilty person to be forgiven by God as well. We sometimes find it hard to ask that and really mean it. But as Stephen demonstrated, it is possible for a Christian to have that same Christlike, forgiving spirit, even while suffering incredible pain, hatred, and injustice.

To forgive is to erase a wrong. Once, a long time ago, a man hurt me deeply by something he said. Years later someone mentioned that man’s name, and I remembered that he had hurt me and that I had forgiven him. For a few seconds, I tried to recall exactly what he had said that had been so hurtful—but I couldn’t. Then the thought hit me: I don’t need to remember. I have already forgiven him!

I silently gave thanks to God for erasing the memory of that hurt. I was grateful that I could remember nothing but the important part—the matter was resolved and forgiven.

We all suffer hurts and wounds from the actions of others. I have learned that I have truly forgiven when my pain over the wrong has begun to subside and I no longer feel an inner turmoil over the situation. When I can talk about the incident and not feel my stomach tighten or my voice become constricted, I know that forgiveness has begun healing the hurt.

I’ve heard people say, “I’ll forgive you, but I’ll never forget.” I wonder what they think they are achieving by refusing to forget. Are we really practicing forgiveness if we choose never to forget? As long as we keep turning the memory over in our minds, we keep the fire of pain and bitterness burning. Choosing to forget, choosing to let go of that memory whenever it comes up, is how we put the fire out.

When we forgive someone, we should seek to forget. Obviously, forgiveness does not afflict us with amnesia. To some degree, we can’t help remembering hurts that we have recently experienced.

But we can, with God’s help, make an effort to forgive and forget. Whenever we remember a hurt, we have a choice to make: Will I dwell on that hurt, turn it over in my mind, and reexperience the bitterness of it again and again—or will I set it aside, mentally change the subject, and ask God for the Grace to let go of that memory?