Fully Functional Family: The Family Guide to GROW Through Dysfunction.Sýnishorn

Day 6: Responsibility, Accountability, and Forgiveness

One more topic we must cover as we grow through dysfunction into a fully functional family is Responsibility, Accountability, and Forgiveness.

Most of us instinctively seek to amplify our positive qualities and accomplishments while diverting attention away from our negative qualities and vulnerabilities. Meanwhile, we do the opposite to our family members. That reminds me of a story a young Marine Corps Officer told me several years ago. The Marines he was responsible for did some unethical things, and his immediate thought was that they should be punished to the full extent of the law… that was, at least until he was considered a suspect. Suddenly, his perspective changed, and not only did he want a full investigation and explanation of what happened, he wanted grace and forgiveness.

That Marine taught me an invaluable lesson in taking responsibility for our actions or inactions and holding each other accountable to ensure we grow together.

Take responsibility for your actions.

‭Matthew‬ ‭7:1‭-‬2‬ ‭MSG‬ says, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.”

Sometimes, it’s really hard to take responsibility for our own actions. It's so much easier to deflect and/or blame someone else as we highlight their shortcomings. That's why I chose the MSG translation for this passage of Scripture because it's blunt and exactly what I need to hear when I start to deflect. The insults we hurl at one another usually have a boomerang effect, which, in turn, causes us to hurt, frustrate, and confuse ourselves and our family members.

Accepting responsibility for our actions requires us to acknowledge the positive and negative consequences of our choices and behaviors without making excuses or blaming others. That means we must own up to our mistakes and take accountability for their impact on ourselves and others. It doesn't stop there as we must demonstrate willingness to reconcile (Remember the story about Jacob and Esau?) or rectify the situation.

Accepting responsibility requires humility, honesty, integrity, and a commitment to learning from our experiences and striving to do better in the future. We demonstrate maturity, self-awareness, and a sense of personal accountability by accepting responsibility for our actions, which helps make the family we all desire fully functional!

Hold each other accountable.

Personal accountability is one part of the equation, but we all need reliable family members to help hold us accountable. These are the folks who give us that gentle nudge in the right direction when we need it because a home that has a strong culture of responsibility and accountability is a home that encourages success and collaboration. I hope you're seeing how all of this is coming together.

Accountability in the home begins by having clear expectations of each other so we understand our role in making each other better. The only way to set and continually refine these expectations is to maintain open and transparent communication. That means we have to feel comfortable expressing our thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of judgment, frustration, and rudeness. If it's said in love, we should receive it in love. Holding each other accountable with love is the only way to help our fellow family members take ownership or personal responsibility for their actions and behavior.

Think about it. Our natural instincts tell us to defend once we are attacked. That means that the right correction given in the wrong manner will only cause your family members to build defensive walls, and defensive walls in our homes won't lead to collaboration. In other words, you're causing more dysfunction. We must respect each other's feelings and perspectives. This respect forms the foundation for constructive feedback, allowing accountability to be approached in a positive and supportive manner. I love the word “constructive” here because it's a good reminder that we're building each other up as we build a bond when we hold each other accountable. That means that we're here for each other and are obligated to make each other better!

Look each other in the eyes and say, “I'm here to make you better and help you grow!”

Forgiveness

If you didn't notice, I love corny (sometimes awkward) exercises like the one above. Telling someone they're wrong is easy, but accepting responsibility for your mistakes and keeping a positive relationship while holding each other accountable is tough. In fact, a lot of family beef begins with responsibility and accountability. The downside is the beef lingers due to unforgiveness.

This is where the foundational belief comes into play; God is so loyal to us that He extends grace (undeserved kindness) to us so we can have a relationship with Him (1 Corinthians 1:9). Since the beginning of time, God has done what the Apostle Paul described in ‭Colossians‬ ‭3:13‬ ‭NLT‬ when he said, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

Forgiving others is essential for our well-being and fostering healthy relationships. In contrast, holding onto grudges or resentment can lead to emotional turmoil, bitterness, and relational strife. You know, the kind of strife we saw throughout Jacob's dysfunctional life story that we discussed on Day 1. Forgiveness liberates us from anger and resentment, allowing us to experience inner peace and emotional healing.

We've already talked about how important accountability is, but I want to make something clear. Forgiving others doesn't mean we condone or excuse harmful behavior; instead, we are choosing to release the negative emotions tied to the offense. That's how we can reconcile our differences, even when we feel wronged.

Reconciliation involves actively working together to restore trust, understanding, and harmony. It requires us to be open to receiving feedback and transparent with our thoughts and emotions. That means that at some point, we will have to acknowledge our mistakes, offer genuine apologies, and commit to making positive changes. By embracing forgiveness and reconciliation, we promote empathy, compassion, and unity, building more resilient relationships built on trust and mutual respect.

A family with relationships built on trust and mutual respect will last! Why? Because they are oriented in the same direction, love and sacrifice for each other, are open and transparent with one another, collaborate to get things done, and accept responsibility while holding each other accountable.That's the magic of building a fully functional family. We can do it if we choose to work towards that common goal as a team!

Are you ready to build a fully functional family?

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we are grateful for the love and support You've given each of us through our family. Thank You for giving us the ability and willingness to work together to achieve a common goal. Please help us apply what we've learned these last few days and revisit the conversation as often as possible. Ultimately, help us to ‬love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other from here on out (‭Romans‬ ‭12:10‬ ‭NLT). Thank You for my wonderful family! Amen.

Continue the discussion.

1. What's next? What time will you come together each day to have open and honest conversations and reflect on what you've learned this past several days?
2. Take a moment to reflect. Then, say what you admire the most about each other. Everyone gets a turn, and everyone says what they admire about each family member.