How to Deal When Your Spouse Doesn’t Understand YouSýnishorn

In 1 Chronicles 22:19, we see the instruction to “set your mind and heart to seek the Lord your God.” As the Israelites began the difficult job of building the temple, they were directed to “arise and build.” We also have a difficult task ahead of us: to build a marriage that glorifies God and reflects his love into a dark world. It took about 7 years to build the temple; likewise, our marriages are a labor of love, which take years of building.

If our minds and hearts are not set on seeking the Lord and building a marriage that honors him, we can easily slip into seeking validation, respect, happiness, or understanding instead.

We experience an array of emotions every day, often from one extreme to the other. If you feel misunderstood and disconnected in marriage, then what? What can you do when you begin to feel like your spouse is more of an enemy than a teammate?

First, acknowledge that these are feelings. Acknowledge that while they are truly your feelings, they may not in fact be completely true. Acknowledge that God gave us all of these feelings and emotions. The feelings themselves aren’t bad, but they also shouldn’t control us. Emotions themselves are not good or bad, true or false, they just are. But we can’t weaponize our emotions and allow them free reign in our relationships.

In my marriage, I felt hurt when my husband seemed not to care about something that mattered to me. I had a choice: talk to him about it or hold the feeling inside where sadness turns to bitterness. When I talked to him about feeling hurt, I learned that he didn’t realize how much the issue meant to me. I hadn’t communicated it clearly to him. We both learned. If I keep my eyes on my emotions, I will be riding a rollercoaster. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can stay steady.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says it this way: “let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder, and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.”

In our lives, we face many instances where we crave justification and validation. Many of these are insults to our ego, so we want to set the record straight. In these moments, we can look to Jesus, who withstood the ultimate instance of not being seen for who he really was. Though he could have set the record straight and humiliated every person who denied his Lordship, mocked him, and called for his crucifixion, he did not: His eyes were set on the purpose God had for him. His eyes were set on the joy of obedience.

Prayer: Thank you, Jesus, that you endured the cross and for the freedom your death and resurrection provide. Let me learn to healthily accept all of my emotions, while living from the solid foundation of your life in me and your purposes in my life.