Marriage on the Edge Sýnishorn

Forgiveness on the Edge

Forgiveness is at the heart of marriage. You cannot live your life with someone who will not forgive you. You will let that person down. You will mess up. You will not be perfect. You will need that person’s forgiveness. God models perfect forgiveness. He sent His Son to die for us so that we could be forgiven as John writes, “For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16. It was the greatest gift ever given and it centered on forgiveness.

When I talk to couples about forgiveness, a couple of barriers often come up. The first is that we feel forgiving someone means the offense is all right. I have learned that is not true. When God forgives me, He does not say that my sin was okay. God never condones sin. His relationship with me is so valuable to Him that He offers forgiveness through Christ’s death and resurrection. When I seek His forgiveness and He forgives me, the barrier that my sin causes in our relationship is removed. I may still suffer the consequences of my sin, but my relationship with God is intact.

The second barrier is that sometimes a spouse feels if they forgive easily, their spouse will repeat the offense. In other words, if I do something to Nancy and she forgives me, I may receive the forgiveness and not learn the lesson that I needed to learn. In Luke 17:4, Jesus says, “Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” In my marriage, Nancy is my wife, not my “holy spirit.” That job has been taken. It is Nancy’s job to forgive me and it is God’s job to change me. It is my job to listen to both of them.

If you have been withholding forgiveness from your spouse because you feel like they need to “feel it,” be punished, or learn their lesson, remember that you are not responsible for your spouse’s actions. It’s true - they might not learn their lesson. That is a possibility! But you’re not responsible for that. You aren’t your spouse’s parent. You aren’t your spouse’s holy spirit. You withholding forgiveness does not help your spouse, it only hurts your marriage. You cannot control your spouse. You are not here to teach your spouse lessons. Your first step is to pray and ask God to help you learn to forgive freely in your marriage, as He has freely forgiven you (Colossians 3:13).

Next Steps:

• What is something in your marriage that is hard to forgive? Why do you think it’s been hard for you to forgive?
• What past hurts are you still holding on to?
• What is one thing you two can do today to build a culture of forgiveness in your home?