Before You SplitSýnishorn

“Seeing Your Spouse Through Eyes of Mercy”

“Love your enemies,” said Jesus. I don’t think Carey and I would have ever called ourselves enemies, but we sometimes fought as if we were. During the dark seasons of our marriage when our conflict was chaotic and our emotions frayed, we desperately needed forgiveness.

When you both feel you’ve been wronged by the other, it’s messy business to combine the facts of the wrongs committed with attitudes of mercy and humility. But authentic forgiveness requires it.  

How can you repair and move on—even if you’re not sure restoration is possible? 

Here are the three ingredients for forgiveness. Let’s say Carey faces forgiving me for an offense. The first ingredient acknowledges justice. Carey needs to talk about what happened and how my offense impacted him personally. He  needs to experience, not stuff or deny, his emotions attached to the wrongs. 

The second part is mercy. Mercy requires Carey to change the way he looks at what I did and who I am. He needs to see me through eyes of compassion. 

The third essential ingredient is humility. Humility requires Carey to change the way he looks at what he did and who he is.  Authentic humility is hard when you’ve been hurt. 

The water of humility slips easily through your fingers unless you work hard to hold it in your hand.

To sort out the facts of what happened, maybe you need to write down your grievances. 

Desmond Tutu recom­mended a ritual of writing the good qualities of the person you’re trying to forgive on a stone and then writing the offenses you want to forgive on sand. The offenses will be washed away by the rain, but the truths of the strengths of that person will endure on the rock. 

This type of ritual is helpful because you’ll be able to visual­ize your act of forgiving. You could also mark your release of each grievance by throwing a stone or shell into an expanse, such as an ocean or lake, or off a cliff, and watching it disappear. Then whenever one of those offenses crosses your mind or triggers painful emotions, you can visualize your memory of releasing it. 

You may still need to process your emotional healing over time, and that’s okay. Your mind’s eye memory of releasing the offense is a way of guarding your heart and your relationship from being weighed down again by burdens you already let go of. 

When you put justice, mercy and humility together and forgive each other, your love that even endured adversity may become your delight.

God, help me to confess my offenses, to extend mercy and to show humility toward my spouse and forgive, just as you have forgiven me.