The Marriage CourseSýnishorn

Good Sex

Emotional connection creates good sex, and good sex creates a greater emotional connection.

Sex is the ultimate body language through which we communicate our desire for our partner, our desire for:

• closeness 
• comfort 
• love
• protection
• wanting to have a child together

Our sexual relationship:

• restores our emotional wellbeing, which helps us cope with the pressures of life
• expresses and deepens the ‘one flesh’ bond

Five secrets for keeping the spark alive (S.P.A.R.K.)

1. Speaking

Difficult at first because our sexuality is deeply private and requires vulnerability.

Tell each other what you enjoy -- don’t leave it to guesswork.

Don’t regard any issues in your sexual relationship as ‘your’ issue or ‘my’ issue, but ‘our’ issue.

2. Prioritising

Guard the physical space for your lovemaking:

• leave screens outside the bedroom
• invest in an alarm clock if necessary

Be creative:

• vary the atmosphere -- soft lighting can help
• vary how you make love
• vary who takes the initiative
• approach variety with sensitivity at a mutually agreeable pace
• our attitude should be to seek to give pleasure to our partner and not just take it for ourselves

Sex isn’t just the icing on the cake of a marriage -- it’s an important ingredient of the cake itself.

3. Anticipating

Our most potent and important sexual asset is our mind.

Having your own private language and private signals around sex spark thoughts that create anticipation and build desire (the best sex starts at breakfast!).

Mutually agreed periods of sexual abstinence can enhance a couple’s sexual relationship.

Romance creates the setting for lovemaking.

Be sure sexual thoughts and desires are directed towards your partner.

Romance is the bridge between the everyday world of practicality and the private place of our sexual relationship.

4. Responding

Sex often starts as a decision and then arousal follows.

Giving ourselves sexually requires a climate of trust.

Responding sexually can give our partner a sense of confidence and wellbeing. 

5. Kindness

Sex is about giving -- showing support in practical ways and taking time to tune in to each other’s emotional needs.

Men and women are wired differently when it comes to sexual arousal.

Be ‘OTHER-oriented’ rather than ‘SELF-oriented’.

Our kind words will build confidence in our partner.

• never criticise your partner’s natural shape
• keep telling each other what you love about their body

There is a very strong link between building each other’s self-esteem and building an intimate sexual relationship.