Leadership Pain With Sam ChandSýnishorn

Pain Partners

Our secrets will kill us. They will haunt our dreams, cloud our plans, and distort our relationships. When leaders have no place to vent their frustrations and no one to understand their pain, they internalize all the hurt, fear, confusion, and anger. Every leader needs to ask, “Who is filling my emotional tank? Who is giving me the sustenance of hope, joy, and understanding?”

Leaders desperately need to find someone who has no agenda except to listen without judging and love without any strings attached. The existential angst of hopelessness and despair can only be addressed in community—close relationships with at least one, preferably a few, who genuinely care for us. Nothing else will do.

I’ve never known leaders who thrives in their roles, in their families, or in their personal lives without at least a few trusted friends. In other words, if you don’t have a friend or two, you probably won’t make it very long. To function as the people God has created and redeemed, we need both the vertical connection with God and meaningful horizontal connections with people. We simply have to find people who will pour into us instead of always pull out of us.

It’s incredibly powerful—life changing—to be in a relationship where we can be totally vulnerable without fear, when the person knows the worst about us and still accepts us. Ultimately, this kind of love is only found in the gospel of grace, but we can at least taste it in a few human connections—people who impart God’s grace to us. These are the friendships that give life meaning and hope. 

When you’re in trouble, don’t wait. Pick up the phone. Call someone and ask for help. It’s essential for your mental and emotional health, and it’s necessary for you to be the leader, spouse, and parent you want to be.