Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSýnishorn

UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE WON'T CUT OFF CONTACT WITH FORMER LOVER

The Old Testament consistently links adultery with idolatry, to the point where the one becomes a spiritual symbol or image of the other. Again and again, the prophets liken unfaithfulness to Yahweh to marital infidelity. As they see it, the gods of the Gentile nations are like illicit lovers after whom the people are inclined to run at the drop of a hat. In the Book of Ezra, these two types of infidelity come together in a striking way when the Jews, just returned from exile in Babylon, begin taking pagan wives in direct disobedience to the Lord’s command. Ezra tells them in no uncertain terms that there is only one way to cleanse themselves of this sin and restore their relationship with God: they have to cut off all ties with the foreign wives and their idols.

There’s a reason Elijah felt compelled to challenge the people of Israel as he did on Mount Carmel: “How long will you falter between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him” (1 Kings 18:21). The fact of the matter was that the people thought they could do both at the same time. Their interest in religion was limited to finding out what was in it for them, and they figured the best way of doing that was to diversify their options. They forgot that the Lord had called them into an exclusive covenant relationship with Himself.

Strangely enough, there are some folks who experience a similar lapse of memory when it comes to marriage. These people fall prey to temptation and become involved in affairs from time to time. Even when these affairs are over, there are those among them who expect to be able to “stay in touch” with the “other man” or “other woman” while remaining married to their spouses. Incredible as it sounds, they find ways to convince themselves that this kind of contact is innocent and harmless — as in the case of the woman who “apologized” to her husband for her infidelity, only to add in the next breath that she wanted to continue communicating with her former lover by text.

Any husband or wife confronted with this kind of situation needs to follow the example of Ezra. He needs to insist absolutely that his wife cut off all communication with the other man, including texting. Apologizing for the affair is just one step in the process of reconciling and rebuilding a broken marriage. A woman’s actions after the apology demonstrate whether she is truly remorseful and taking steps to ensure that her husband’s trust isn’t broken again. If she’s unwilling to stop texting her boyfriend, that can only be regarded as a big red flag. It begs two important questions.

First, does this wife really understand how much her infidelity has hurt her husband and damaged the trust in their relationship? Having an affair is the most serious breach of trust in marriage. If she’s really sorry, she’ll understand that and do everything required to win back his heart.

The second question is, has she burned all her bridges to this illicit relationship? If not, she needs to do so right away. By continuing to communicate with this man in any form whatsoever, she’s preserving the flame of her extramarital romance and keeping her options open. That has to stop immediately.

If you and your spouse are working your way through the aftermath of an affair, it’s vital to bear this thought in mind. The process of restoring your marriage will remain at a standstill until the unfaithful spouse puts a total and complete end to the relationship with the other party. The betrayed spouse needs to take a firm stand in that regard. Otherwise, there can be no guarantee that the pattern of infidelity won’t repeat itself a hundred times over.
If you are not already working with a counselor, you should get that part of the process started right away. A trained Christian therapist who specializes in dealing with marital crises can help you and your spouse work out your differences in a constructive way.