Connection KillersSýnishorn

Day 3: Blame

Hello, my name is Doug, and I’m a blame-o-holic. But it is not my fault. My childhood is to blame. :) I have a bad habit of walking into a situation with a problem and immediately assigning blame. If our children are playing and I hear something break, I want to storm in and assign the blame. If—no, when—we get lost on a road trip, I want to blame my wife and Siri for not telling me where to turn. And when I fall short on some metric at work, I like to blame our company for not providing me with enough resources. 

The problem with blame is that it does nothing to rectify the situation and only hurts the relationships involved. This disconnection agent has ruined a lot of what could have been fun times and great memories. Life happens, and when the mishaps come, I’ve got to get better at taking responsibility instead of losing the blame game. 

It’s easy and natural to assign blame instead of taking personal responsibility and accepting the personal consequences. Blame offers to defend and preserve our self-esteem since we are "obviously perfect" and any flawed actions or thoughts on our part are the results of an inferior and misguided influence. And when we misjudge the outcome versus the intent, like in the previous sentence, blame offers the solution. But sometimes blame is just a destructive conflict-resolution tool designed to inflict hurt.

Blame usually comes packaged with the classic finger point and “You did” statement. But remember, every time you literally point your finger at someone, there are three fingers on that same hand pointing back at you! So the next time you offer an excuse, which is blame, try to come up with three things you could have done that would have made a positive impact instead. 

Blame is defeated by taking responsibility with an “I” statement: “I could have done [fill in the blank] instead.” “I understand” and “I am sorry” statements also go a long way toward connecting versus disconnecting with blame. A helping hand is always better than a pointed finger in any direction. 

The blame game started with the first two people on Earth in the garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. The serpent set it all up and continues, to this day, to try to break our relationships with blame. 

Pray:

God, help us take responsibility for our thoughts and actions so that we do not fall victim to blame.