Resolving Conflict in MarriageEgzanp

Seeing Clearly

I was thankful for the dinner invitation. It had been too long since we spent time with our friends and their family. As we were catching up, their oldest son told us about a bad fall he had during his last football game. The fall wasn’t bad enough to break any bones, but the bruises looked impressive.

His younger sister was fascinated at the massive discoloration covering his rib cage. He had always been so strong, yet now the slightest touch could cause him to howl in pain.

Unfortunately, the temptation proved to be too much. During our visit, his sister found every opportunity to “accidentally” brush up against his ribcage to see his reaction. She was younger and knew how to play the innocent card well, hurting him just enough to elicit a reaction but not so much to draw attention to herself.

The final straw came in a particularly devious form. After dinner was over, she came up behind him, said, “I love you,” and gave him a big bear hug. The pain was instant and unbearable. He immediately shoved her away and began to scream at her. The commotion caught the attention of their parents. When they turned to look, they found the young girl stumbling backward with her older brother in full fury. Her betrayal was complete as her brother was reprimanded for his lack of self-control.

As I watched this unfold, I couldn’t help but wonder how often a version of this scene plays out in marriage. Some of us are masters at pushing our spouses’ buttons. We make “innocent” comments under our breath, quietly sigh, or roll our eyes. We poke and poke with little gestures of disrespect, and sometimes, when we really need to, we bring up a painful issue from the past. We know just where to squeeze. I was only trying to give you a hug.

Conflicts in marriage are rarely ever one-sided. It’s always easier to see others’ faults than it is to see our own. When we do notice a fault in ourselves, we tend to drastically underestimate it. We see our fault as a speck and our spouse’s as a huge log. But as Dennis Rainey says, even if your spouse is 99% responsible, you are still 100% responsible for your 1%.

Jesus says we need to take a good hard look at our own sins before we can see others’ sins clearly. If you really want to resolve conflict in your marriage, you can’t just focus on your spouse’s behavior. You need to look closely at your own too.

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Spend some time in prayer, asking God to help you see conflict with your spouse through His eyes.

Are there any logs in your eye that need attention?