Growing as an Enneagram Eight: The ChallengerEsimerkki

Being Less Intimidating

Have you ever been told you are intimidating? This is a common pain point for Eights as they traverse life and relationships. You can be the kindest person, quietest person, or the tiniest person in a room, and still be seen as intimidating. Eights are the only Enneagram type with a commanding presence. 

You have a lot of energy, you don’t tiptoe around others’ feelings, you have high standards, and you won’t be controlled. All of these facts combine into a force that people can discern from you. They don’t know what you’ll do or say, but they know they may not have a good defense if you decide to go after them. 

Being a lion in a lamb’s world may be one of the most frustrating parts of being an Eight. You know how tender your heart is; your invisible armor is only there to protect you, not make it easier for you to launch a personal attack against anyone.

So it can be disheartening to hear over and over, “Are you angry?” or “When I first met you, I thought you were going to be mean,” or “You intimidate me,” or “Maybe you’d have more friends if you didn’t come off this way.”

It is hard to change something that you’re not trying to do; it may not be possible for you to completely create an aura of meekness. No matter how gentle and tame you try to be, a lion is still a lion, and a lamb is still a lamb.

I find it interesting that in the Bible, every time an angel appears, people become frightened. It even goes so far as to say people are “in terror” at the sight of an angel, who must tell them, “Fear not!” Do angels do anything frightening? We don’t exactly know; all Scripture tells us is that they showed up and God had very specific reasons for sending them, since angels are His messengers. If angels were less intimidating, perhaps people would not listen to them. 

Instead of insisting “I’m not intimidating,” you might be better served by accepting that, at least on the outside, you are just that. You might have to tell people that you’re kind, gentle, and love being around them, even if you think you shouldn’t have to.