6 Hidden Behaviors That Destroy FamiliesEsimerkki

Hidden Behavior #2: Criticism

None of us escapes criticism in this life, and, unfortunately, criticism often occurs in extended families. Our family members are usually easy targets for us to fight with and talk back to. Therefore, we tend to be more critical of each other—or more vocal about it.

However, criticism shouldn’t be a regular habit within families because we are supposed to be loving, supportive, and encouraging toward one another. Does criticism help to achieve family harmony? No, it typically creates the opposite result. Criticism makes people feel hurt and angry, resulting in a divided family.

Criticism Drives Others Away

There are various types of insults, and most slights between family members aren’t direct verbal jabs. Instead, they come in the form of sarcastic remarks, innuendos, backhanded compliments, and negative nonverbal communications, such as the eye roll. None of these behaviors is helpful for creating healthy family dynamics.

Clearly, nobody wants to be around someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. That is why those who make a habit of being critical of their family members must understand they are putting their relationships in jeopardy. For example, pointing out to your sister that it would help her dating life if she lost a few pounds might seem helpful from your perspective, but it really is not. It will just be taken as disapproval and make her feel hurt. It will do nothing to help strengthen or improve your relationship. It will probably do just the opposite.

If someone feels uncomfortable around another person, they usually decide they do not want to be around them if they can help it. The more criticism that exists in a relationship, the more likely the person who is on the receiving end will eventually pull away. 

To heal relationships, we need to become aware of our own habits of criticizing. If we frequently criticize certain family members, then we need to cease this behavior. Don’t make yourself the outcast of the family by being unnecessarily critical or by delivering criticism in a manner that comes off as judgmental or insulting.

Insults Versus Constructive Criticism

It is human nature to perceive words of criticism as an affront instead of constructive advice. The motivation of the individual giving the criticism, the truth behind the message, the delivery, and our personality all play into how we interpret and receive criticism from others.

Taking all this into consideration, if change is needed in someone’s life, any criticism we convey should be carried out in a constructive way; hence the term constructive criticism. There is a clear difference between insults and constructive criticism. The purpose of an insult is to inflict harm. Attacking and insulting anyone, especially a family member, is not acceptable behavior. Actually, it is a sin to criticize someone else in an insulting manner. 

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18 ESV)

It is intention that differentiates criticism from insults. While an insult is lobbed with the purpose of harming, criticism is given with the purpose of helping. In our extended families, we often criticize one another because we each have different ways of doing things that we think are better than everyone else’s and we want to express this information. We care about our loved ones and see their potential, so our intention is well-meaning.

The problem is usually with our delivery. We end up using tones that insult people, causing our messages to go in one ear and out the other. They don’t want to listen when we act judgmental or angry toward them because it makes them feel unappreciated and put upon. However, when constructive criticism is given with love, kindness, and the right tone, it can be beneficial.

We should keep in mind that even criticism that is offered with good intentions can have the effect of an insult if it is badly expressed. When this happens, positive relationships are undermined. Yet when constructive criticism is delivered and received in a healthy manner, it can help to build up individual family members and their relationships at the same time.

Love One Another

It is better to err on the side of caution when it comes to criticizing fellow family members. Sometimes, saying nothing is better than being critical. God has called us to love one another:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34–35)

Others will see the goodness of Jesus through how we act toward them. The people whom God has directly placed in our lives as family members are to be treated in a kind manner. It is not kind to say things that are mean, ugly, and harm other people. Instead, we should build up our loved ones.

Our greatest sources of encouragement in life should be God and our family. That starts with us. We turn to God for love and encouragement so that we can pour out love and encouragement to our family members. 

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. (Romans 12:10 ESV)

Have you been overly critical toward any of your family members? Today, ask God to help you find words of encouragement for them and to mold your heart into more love and less criticism.