SOUL RESET: Forgive Without Compromising Your PeaceNäide

Over my years as a pastor, I've discovered that forgiveness has become associated with more unhelpful and unbiblical teaching than any other topic. When people tell me why they can't forgive or reconcile, I often respond, "I wouldn't forgive either if that's what forgiveness meant!" Once I walk them through what the Bible says, they discover they've been struggling with myths, not truth.

Let's look at three common myths that might be holding you back:

Myth #1: Forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing.

This is the biggest myth of all! Remember our key truth from yesterday: forgiveness depends on me, but reconciliation depends on us. When Jacob approached Esau after twenty years, he had already chosen to forgive his brother for threatening his life. But reconciliation? That would depend on Esau, too.

In Genesis 32, we see Jacob praying: "O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, O Lord who said to me, 'Return to your country and your kindred, that I may do you good...Please deliver me from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I fear him."

Jacob could choose to forgive but couldn't control how Esau would respond. That's why forgiveness and reconciliation are different!

Myth #2: If I forgive, I must forget.

Have you heard people say, "forgive and forget?" Our brains don't work like computers, where we can hit "delete" and erase painful memories. Sometimes, we shouldn't forget! If someone has hurt you repeatedly without showing actual change, forgetting could put you in danger. You can forgive someone (releasing your right to revenge) while remembering to be wise about future interactions.

Jacob forgave Esau over many years while moving towards his older brother with the hope of reconciliation. But neither man forgot what happened. Their later conversation indicated that neither man forgot about Jacob tricking his way into Esau’s blessing and birthright.

Myth #3: I never have to forgive again if I forgive once.

Peter thought he was generous when he asked Jesus if he should forgive someone seven times. Jesus said we should forgive "seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:21-22). He wasn't giving us a math problem but teaching us that forgiveness is an ongoing choice. Sometimes, we must forgive the same person for the exact hurt multiple times as memories and feelings resurface.

Understanding these myths helps us see why Jacob and Esau's story is so powerful. Jacob didn't just forgive once and forget everything—he had to choose forgiveness repeatedly over twenty years! He couldn't control Esau's response, but he could control his own heart.

Tomorrow, we'll dig deeper into what forgiveness means and doesn't mean. But today, I would like you to reflect: Which of these myths have you thought about? How might believing these myths have kept you stuck in your journey toward healing?

Remember, just because these are myths doesn't mean the journey is easy. But understanding the truth sets us free to take steps forward, even when those steps are complicated.