4 Common Communication Mistakes in MarriageSample

Mistake 2: Our Timing is Off

Paul says in Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

Paul’s instruction calls God’s people to no longer live as they did before Christ, but to “put on” their “new self” identity in Christ in their relationships. It shows that “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” are qualities God wants our relationships to have. It is also a great recipe for a happy marriage!

The problem is that we do not always do those well. Sometimes I am impatient when Nancy says something and I respond dismissively because I do not want to be bothered. Sometimes Nancy is unkind when I say something to her but she is tired and does not want to engage in the conversation.

Can you relate? So, what do we do? If it is something important to us, how can we learn to live out the qualities of Godly relationships as we speak? Do we just say nothing? Emotional intelligence expert Justin Bariso quotes noted philosopher and TV personality Craig Ferguson, who says we need to ask ourselves three things before we speak

1. Does this need to be said?

Going back to yesterday’s topic, my answer often needs to be “no.” (Remember your note on James 1:19!) If what I am thinking about saying will not grow my marriage, if it could hurt Nancy, why would I say it? Or if it is questionable, why would I say it

2. Does this need to be said by me?

If Nancy is telling me something and I have a response in my mind, should I say it? Proverbs 18:13 warns, “To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” Often, that is exactly what I do. So, I need to pause before speaking. I need to listen well, instead of listening just to answer. If it has to do with her work, would the response be better received if her boss said it?

So many times as I counsel a couple, I will offer counsel and one spouse says, “That’s what I have been saying for weeks.” And they probably have - but their spouse heard it better from me than from their spouse. Some things are heard best when said by someone else

3. Does it need to be said by me, now?

Timing. In Psalm 27:14, David says, "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." God does not need us to rush ahead of Him. He understands timing better than we ever will. I have said some pretty brilliant things to Nancy over the years and some of them were never heard because my timing was off. I know if I really want Nancy to hear what I am saying, the timing can make all the difference. Waiting for the Lord’s cue ALWAYS makes a difference.

It doesn’t mean you have to find the perfect time in order to speak to your spouse at all, but for deeper conversations or hard conversations, timing matters a lot.

Choosing to have an intense conversation in the 5-minute car ride to your in-laws is not a great choice in timing. Talking about important money decisions and calendar decisions while your spouse’s hands are busy cooking dinner is likely not a great choice in timing. Every couple is different. You need to pay attention and find the sweet spots in your schedule when you know you can have certain conversations.

Today’s Challenge:

So the next time that great thought comes to you, run it through this grid:

• Does this need to be said?
• Does this need to be said by me?
• Does this need to be said by me now?