Into the Deep: Going Beyond AnxietySample

Fear of Love

Out of all the issues people face in psychotherapy, the most significant human struggle is the struggle to love and be loved. Even when it comes to anxiety over our future and what may or may not happen, the basic question most of us ask is, “Will I have my needs met by the people I love?” This is a question we unknowingly ask first as infants crying for food or comfort. Answering this question is a lifelong task that is fundamental to initiating and maintaining fulfilling relationships, including learning to trust in a God who says he loves us.

In this passage, John makes clear that God shows his love for us by gifting Jesus to us. This may seem counterintuitive, but receiving this gift of love opens us to the possibility of giving ourselves in love for others. Somehow, our defenses are laid down and our fears are quelled by way of a great love that assures us that we are, at last, safe. And it is in that safety that we then may find courage to reach out to others.

And yet there is still a great deal of fear in loving and being loved. Anxiety over our relationships can look like insecurity, codependency, passive-aggressiveness, and even abuse. A great number of people I work with suffer from the effects of anxiety in the relational realm. For some, the fear of loving another stems from the fear that the other person might take advantage of them. And so, they may come across as cold, aloof, or even uncaring.

For others, anxiety manifests in the subtler form of the fear of being loved. Knowing ourselves to be sinful people, something deep within us doubts that anyone could see the worst parts of us and still want to be near. Many of us are so afraid that the stench of our inner cesspools will repulse others that we keep ourselves closed off. Those who tend towards fear of being loved may be frustrated that they do not feel as close as they want to others, and so find little satisfaction in their relationships.

The hard part of this kind of fear is that in order to overcome it, you must experience increasing vulnerability with another person, while that same person is also learning to overcome their fear of being more vulnerable with you. Overcoming fear of love is a two-way street where gradually, over time, we come to learn that we are capable of laying down our lives for another while experiencing radical acceptance from them.

1. Spend some time dwelling on moments when you have felt well-known by another person. How does meditating on these moments change the way you feel about extending yourself in love towards them?
2. In what ways have you closed yourself to being loved?