When a Couple Loses a Baby: a Man's PerspectiveSample

Struggle # 1: I felt unseen.

As a man, it can be easy to feel unseen when you and your partner lose a baby.

Why?

For me, if someone brought up the topic, they usually asked, “How’s Ash?” Very few individuals asked about me. But my pain was real. It was deep.

We were bringing a child into this world together. But it felt like the baby was more Ashley’s than mine. Why did it feel this way?

Well…

I cannot get pregnant.

I cannot carry a baby in my body.

I cannot give birth.

I cannot feed a baby.

These are wonderful responsibilities that God gifted to women; as I share, I’m not trying to reduce the significance of the pain felt by a mother who has lost a baby.

But our babies were mine as well. They had my DNA. God placed a love for these children inside of me that grew from the moment I found out we were expecting.

Though my pain didn’t always seem to be acknowledged, my pain was deep. As I reflect, I realize that I could have received more support if I had chosen to share my experience with others.

There are so many unseen elements of child loss. Before birth, babies are unseen except by ultrasound and if the mom begins "showing" as the baby grows.

Often, when the life is lost, many couples have not made a public announcement, so the people in their lives may not know to offer them support.

Unseen grief can be a precursor to other emotions as well: anger, loneliness, disappointment.

Invite God to illuminate the darkness so you can heal, so you can be seen. May God comfort and rescue you today.

God,

I know You see me. You understand my pain. Help me present my thoughts and feelings to You. Show me that You are safe, even during the rough times.

Amen.