Overcoming RejectionSample

Confronting the Pain of Rejection

Rejection is going to happen. It is a fact of life that not all relationships and situations will work out well. From a distance, we can often see that a rejection was a good thing for us, but at the time, it doesn't feel right. Developing more effective responses to rejection is an important life skill. If you can't deal with rejection, you may need to work on building your self-confidence and self-esteem and strengthening your social ties before addressing the anxiety, anger, and other issues that come from being rejected.

1) Healthy confidence in self is key.

Of course, you know that self-confidence is important, but knowing it and having it are two different things. Many people have grown up in environments where they were told they were useless or felt useless. These messages often carry over into adulthood and other relationships. If your self-confidence is slipping, start small to get it back. Make a list every day of at least two or three things you've done well, contributions you've made, or positive things you've done. Write them down and review them before you go to bed each night and again when you get up the next morning. Fill your brain at night and in the early hours of the morning with something positive about yourself.

2) Change to a positive internal dialogue.

Rejection will not make anything negative you say to yourself better, so practice a different kind of self-talk. Watch what you say to yourself; thoughts like "It's all my fault" or "What's wrong with me?" they are not helpful and just bring you down. Rejection happens to everyone. Even the most successful and confident people don't always get what they want, but most of those people recognize rejection as something external and don't begin to tell themselves how terrible they really are. Look at what you say to yourself and choose to build yourself up, not tear yourself down.

3) Remember, this too shall pass.

Remind yourself of this whenever you feel down. No, you are not useless, and you are not a failure: this is a moment in time. Don't let one disappointing experience diminish the value of everything else you've accomplished. Acknowledge your skills and accomplishments and remind yourself of all those experiences where you made good progress, solved a problem, or helped someone. Nobody is defined by an experience.

4) Practice reframing.

Take a deep breath, walk away from the situation, and breathe for a few minutes. Many times, a situation seems worse because you react and then "frame" it as something negative about yourself. Instead, take a physical step back and begin to breathe deeply. Choose to rephrase it. Instead of thinking, "No one will ever love me, I'm not lovable," you could reframe it by thinking, "Relationships are hard for everyone; I'm no different. This was hard for me, but I can learn something from it. Let me concentrate on what I can learn."

5) Let it go.

It's okay to feel upset about rejection. After all, you are human and have emotional responses. Allow yourself to feel the pain, cry, or hit a pillow, but then set a limit to how long you'll regret the rejection. Literally set a time frame: "I can mourn this until next Tuesday at 10:30 am and then I'll call it quits." Let the emotions run through you, but don't let them park and become long-term visitors.