Re-Assembly RequiredSample

Reassembly Decision #2: I will own my slice of the blame.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, help me learn to be at peace with others, even people I disagree with or who have hurt me. Though it’s hard for me to see, show me my part in what’s gone wrong. And thank you for sending Jesus to make peace with me.

Reading

In every relationship conflict, there’s someone to blame. We like to think it’s not us—at all.

When things go awry, we try to manage the relationship. Unfortunately, we tend to make things worse. We feel frustrated; we shut down because we feel shut out. So, we generally fall into making one of three excuses for our crossed arms and closed hearts.

1. “I don’t care.” This excuse isn’t fooling anyone, even you. It’s what you say about something you, in fact, care about deeply. When you declare you don’t care (but you really do), that energy will go somewhere—most likely into another relationship, setting yourself up for relational history to repeat itself.
2. “I already tried.” Have you ever said, “I’m done” about a person? The problem with “I’m done” is that our goal should be no regrets. The goal is to keep the door open. When you say, “I already tried” or “I’m done,” you’ve shut the door.
3. “It wasn’t my fault!” This may be true, but it’s beside the point. Reassembly begins with us, regardless of who started the fuss.

God so loved the world that he sent Jesus and moved in our direction. He invites us to do the same for each other. To ensure we don’t use another person’s behavior as an excuse to disengage from the reassembly process, Jesus asks us a tough question.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

In other words, why are you focused on what they did, which you can’t do anything about? Why are you unwilling to acknowledge your part, which you can do something about?

To which we usually respond, “It’s not a speck of sawdust in their eye!” We tell the story: “He lied to me,” “She was rude to me,” or “They walked out.”

Or we answer: “I don’t have a plank in my eye.” We may not be perfect, but we didn’t start the argument—the other person did! Clearly, none of this—or not much of it—is our fault.

But Jesus asks us another question.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:4)

Jesus’s point is that we get things out of order. We first have work to do on ourselves. He continues,

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)

Instead of focusing on fixing the other person, Jesus is asking us to take our slice of the blame. It takes humility to acknowledge our part and put a personal pronoun before the word “sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

And so we come to our third reassembly decision:

I will own my slice of the blame.

Here’s a prayer that’s hard to pray, especially when you’re convinced most of the blame belongs to the other person: Heavenly Father, please show me where I was at fault.

Jesus makes you a promise. If you’re humble, self-aware, and sensitive enough to the Spirit’s nudge,

“… and then you will see clearly…” (Matthew 7:5)

Jesus suggests you may not be seeing things as clearly as you thought. Your vision is clouded. Recognizing what’s in your eye prepares you to move toward another person. If there’s something about you that’s an obstacle to reconciliation, you have to acknowledge your piece of the blame—and remove it from your eye.

Jesus is right: We’re hypocrites. We want the other person to own up, but we aren’t willing to do what we’re certain they should do. We prefer to retreat into self-righteousness, but self-righteousness gets in the way, and self-awareness paves the way.

Reconciliation begins with a look in the mirror. The apostle Paul puts it this way,

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)

Accepting your part of the blame depends on you. You need to go first. When it’s safe and appropriate, you may need to make that phone call, send that email, or arrange that coffee date.

Imagine what would happen in your family, community, nation, or world if everyone stopped assigning blame and took an honest look in the mirror. After all, the person staring back at you is the only person you can do anything about.

Reflection

It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong. How hard is it for you on a scale of one to ten? Why do you think this is so?