The 10 Myths Of Teen DatingSample

Believing Sex Comes Without Consequences

I think every adult can recall how easy it was to learn new things when we were young. Music, sports, languages all come much easier in the developing brain. It is not just lack of spare time to acquire new skills that makes it so “old dogs can’t learn new tricks.” The brain of a teen is still developing, and thus it has greater plasticity than the adult brain and is more primed for learning.

Scientists believe that as a brain matures, neural connections that are not used wither and die. It is a “use it or lose it” proposition, and those neural connections that are used begin to hard wire. In other words, the behaviors and attitudes of the teen years become the imprinted ways of an adult. Wow! The implications of this are good and bad.

On the good end of the spectrum is the fact that as parents we have the opportunity to help our children develop healthy attitudes and behaviors that will be hard wired into their brains. When we consistently expect and encourage patterns of behavior that our children may think of as mundane—completing homework, keeping clean rooms, participating in family chores, and so forth—we are preparing our kids to be responsible and successful adults.

The same is true regarding more meaningful behaviors and attitudes that we want cemented into our children’s hearts—qualities such as compassion, responsibility, and self-discipline. Just as important, if we help our children to have healthy attitudes and behaviors about sex, these are also getting hard wired into their brains.

On the bad end of the spectrum is the fact that unhealthy attitudes and behaviors get imprinted as well. This is why the attitudes and behaviors that our teenage daughters are developing with regard to sex are so critical.

What is the overall message that sexually active teen girls are learning about sex? That sex is mostly for him and it isn’t all that special. In coaching and teaching it is said that “perfect practice makes perfect.” Because teen sex is a mere shadow of what it is supposed to be in a mature, lifetime relationship, what actually is happening for a teen girl is that “imperfect practice makes imperfect.”

The more sexual partners a young girl has, the more her brain is imprinting that imperfect practice. How is she supposed to learn to be vulnerable and trusting with her sexuality in this context? Sex is supposed to help sustain marriages for decades. But how can it when it has been cheapened and diminished through imperfect practice?

In earlier chapters we discussed the role of oxytocin in social bonding and physical pleasure. Numerous studies have confirmed that oxytocin also plays a significant role in the formation of trust. In fact, oxytocin is often called the trust hormone. When a girl is in a relationship, physical intimacy produces large amounts of oxytocin that facilitate trust.

This may in part explain why girls confuse sex and love. The feelings of trust created by oxytocin are short lived but profoundly important. These trust feelings, when juxtaposed against the reality of feeling used and empty, leave a girl hopelessly confused. She “trusts” again and again through sex, but ends up feeling hurt. When a girl’s trust has been violated, she is likely to withhold trust in future relationships in order to avoid the anticipated hurt. She avoids heartache by investing less of herself emotionally. She avoids pain by downplaying the power of sex by believing it comes without consequences.