4 Ways to Fight Fair in MarriageSample

Create a Culture of Forgiving Freely

Have you ever paid for something that was meant to be free?

When a popular streaming service first came out, several of my friends jumped on the chance to purchase it. The streaming service had classics for them and new movies and fun shows for their kids. It was a win-win. I learned a few weeks later that my cell phone company was giving its members a year of free access to this streaming service, and that’s when I signed up for free.

It was months later that my friends were talking about their streaming service costs when I realized they were paying for this streaming service although they also were members of my same cell phone company. They missed out on the deal! They were paying for something that was meant to be free for them.

As Christians, we have the blessing and great mercy of being forgiven. We are also called to forgive others just as we have been forgiven. The forgiveness came at a cost to Jesus but at no cost to us. It’s free for us because of his sacrifice.

My question is this: if forgiveness is free why do we often charge for it in our home?

We don’t often treat forgiveness as free when it comes to forgiving others. We want free forgiveness for ourselves but we want others to pay when they have wronged us.

We charge our spouse with our attitudes and detachment when they mess up. We withhold love and affection from them until they pay the price. We expect things from them after they hurt us before we are willing to extend forgiveness.

But what would it look like to truly forgive freely in your home? What would it look like to create a culture of forgiveness in your family?

Part of fighting fair is reconciliation, and forgiveness is the cornerstone of reconciliation.

I think the first step to forgiving freely starts with expectations.

We all have a lot of expectations for our spouse but there is one expectation most couples fail to have for each other: We fail to expect our spouse to need Jesus. Your spouse is a sinner. They are imperfect. They aren’t going to get it right all the time. They need Jesus today and will need him every day for the rest of their life no matter how hard they try. (As will you!)

They need Jesus’ forgiveness, not if but when they fail you, and they need your forgiveness too. No matter how long you’ve been married or how great your spouse is, you will never stop needing to forgive them because they will let you down.

It’s healthy to expect our spouse to need Jesus and to fall short. Part of creating a culture of forgiving freely in your home is to start expecting your spouse to need Jesus.

When you already expect your spouse to need Jesus it’s easy to say, “That’s okay, I forgive you” because it doesn’t come at some great surprise to you when they fall short.

What would it look like to stop charging for forgiveness and instead make forgiving freely a mantra in your home?

Challenge: Pray and ask God to help you create a culture of forgiveness in your home. Talk with your spouse about what this can look like practically in your home.

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

1. What are some ways you’ve “charged” for forgiveness from your spouse in the past?
2. How can you remember that you and your spouse will both always need Jesus?
3. What do you want forgiveness to look like practically in your home?
4. Is there anything you need to forgive your spouse for today? Go to God and ask him to help you with that.

Are you ready to learn how to fight fair?

Whether you have toxic fighting in your marriage or you just have the same fight over and over again, this 45-minute class will teach you how to fight fair and resolve conflict in a way that draws you closer to each other instead of tearing you apart.

In this webinar, you’ll discover:

• How to avoid destructive ways of handling disagreements
• How you can use conflict to strengthen your marriage
• A Bible verse to help you resolve conflict
• 8 practical guidelines for fighting fair

As a Christian counselor, author, and founder of Awesome Marriage, Dr. Kim helps couples build awesome marriages. Sign up for the 8 Guidelines For Fighting Fair In Marriage webinar HERE.