Check Your (Unrealistic) Expectations at the Door

Over the years, the Lord has taught me some great lessons about marriage, and I think one of the most important things we can do is examine our expectations. You see, having unrealistic expectations can sabotage a marriage before it ever really gets started. So many people enter marriage expecting their spouse to be something they’re not.  

It’s become a long-standing joke—especially for women—that we look at the person we’re going to marry and think, I can change them. Sadly, this is the way I viewed my husband during the early years of our marriage.

Dave and I have completely opposite personalities. He’s naturally laid back and easygoing, always looking at the bright side of things. However, I’m more of your typical “Type A” personality. I’m highly-motivated…but can also be too harsh and insensitive.

Well, for years, I tried to get Dave to be more aggressive like me. On one occasion, after I continued to discuss how passive he was, Dave finally got really upset and said, “Joyce, you better be glad I’m this way. Because if I wasn’t, you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing!” I got the message loud and clear!

The Lord used this experience to help show me the dangers of nit-picking Dave about things I perceive as weaknesses. Even if Dave does need to change in an area, God is truly the only One Who can change him—my pestering will only make things worse and drive a wedge between us.    

If you’re constantly trying to change your spouse, you end up focusing on all of their weaknesses and things you don’t like. Dave is a great husband, and I honestly have no complaints. But if I began to dwell and focus on little things that might annoy me from time to time, I would eventually see nothing else and actually make myself (and him) miserable. 

Conversely, when I magnify the good and focus on everything I really like about him, it produces feelings of gratitude, love and joy...and the “bad stuff” suddenly seems less important.   

Pray: “Lord, teach me to focus on the good in my spouse. Help me to remember that neither of us are perfect, and that You are the only One who can truly grant peace and happiness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”