I Love Jesus, but I Want to Die: A 5-Day Plan to Give You Hope in the Darkness of Depression Sample

Light Ahead

Friend, you are not a bad Christian for toiling under the crushing weight of depression. Mental illness is not a failure of faith or evidence of a flimsy prayer life. 

Jesus came to earth in the midst of suffering. At times he performed miracles, touched and healed the brokenness. And each time revealed something rich and beautiful about God: that he cares immensely about us, that he is powerful, and that he is near. 

But there were many times Jesus didn’t heal, but simply gave hope for the future. And that hope reveals the same things about God’s care, power, and presence with us. Hope is no less powerful than miraculous healing. 

We are not alone in the aching dark. Scripture tells us there’s nowhere we can escape God’s presence. But we also walk with saints who have gone before us who intimately know sorrow and heartache and grief. 

There’s no enigma to unravel, no right combination of behavior and prayers, no secret decoder ring that holds the answers to escape or deliverance. 

Those who have gone before us know a truth we sorely need: there are some things about God that can be experienced only in affliction. When we endure suffering, including mental illness, we have the opportunity to know God in an incarnational way. 

I know that when you’re shaking so hard you can barely breathe and you think your heart might literally explode, you’re not so sure you want to know God like that. But I’ve learned there is no better way to know the Comforter than by being comforted. There’s no peace like what you experience in the fire of anxiety. 

Maybe it’s really hard to make this mental shift right now. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s more difficult to sit in the darkness and believe God is with us there than it is to cling to a prosperity-gospel faith that promises healing if you do the right things. 

It’s okay if this is hard and doesn’t make sense. It’s okay if you’re angry and can’t understand why God would allow this pain. It’s okay if you’re struggling to move past the fear that God is good to everyone except you. 

But in the midst of the ache, cling to this truth: You have nothing to be ashamed of. God is not disappointed in you. You are deeply, utterly loved. And even in the darkest night, there is hope. 

Jesus, thank you that you are with me, even in the deepest pit. Help me to know the truth deep within me that even the darkness can’t hide me or keep me away from you. Amen.

A note from the author: If you need immediate help the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting the word HOME to 741741.