The Marriage Talks Part 1 | UnitySample

Day 4 | Ephesians 5:21-33 | Role Models

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Welcome back to The Marriage Talks on Through the Word. I’m Kris Langham, with you again as we dig in to find what the Bible says about marriage. 

Now one of the very first challenges that comes up when two individuals become one couple is decision making. Who makes the call? Who takes the lead? Do you take turns to make it fair or put the man in charge because men are smarter and stronger?

I’m kidding of course. That kind of thinking is messed up. But some people think the Bible says that. As if God made men better, so men do all the cool stuff. And women… well, women can just help. Let me be clear: that’s wrong. It is not Biblical. But the Bible does give husband and wife different roles. So how does it work? And what are those Biblical roles?

That brings us to marriage ingredient #2: role models. Every good team needs roles. A team without clear roles is a team in chaos. And a team where every member tries to take the same role is a team that fights. A lot. We are two called to be one, but if those two don’t have clear roles you can end up with a two-headed monster. Or a no headed monster. Either way it’s frustrating. 

So we need roles and role models. It helps a lot to have a healthy Christian marriage among your friends that you can learn from. But we also have another model. 

Now, before we get to that, I want to clarify something. The Bible presents a clear equality between men and women. Both male and female are created in God’s image. That’s key. And Peter reminds Christian husbands to honor your wife as a coheir in God’s kingdom (1 Peter 3:7). Jesus paid the same price for each of you, and you are both children of the King. That’s equality. And yet, the Bible also gives us different roles. When those roles are misunderstood, we get misogyny. But understood correctly, we get unity. 

So what are the Biblical roles for Christian marriage? To answer that question, let’s go back to our story from day one. You remember - my serene Sunday morning of preparing a lofty sermon about the beauties of God’s design for marriage, and my wife’s first words of the day, “Honey… dog barf.”

Well, there comes a time when a man must decide what sort of husband he will be. Do I tell my wife that cleaning is woman’s work? That I have more important work? Do I quote Ephesians 5, “Wife - submit to your husband”?

Before I get to what I did, the heart of the question is: Whose job is it - Biblically speaking - to clean up dog barf? Is it husband or wife? For that, we need job descriptions. And that brings us to Ephesians chapter 5. 

Now I want to warn you. People get this wrong by reading the Bible. Hold on. Don’t judge too quickly. They get it wrong by reading the Bible incompletely. Just like that sentence was wrong without the last word.

So watch this. Ephesians 5:22: 

“Wives, submit to your husbands...” (Ephesians 5:22).

And verse 23:

“For the husband is head of the wife...” (Ephesians 5:23). 

Done. Did I read that right? Yeah, I did. And it’s all Bible. So what could be wrong with that? 

Here’s the problem. If you stop there, you will live a messed up marriage. Because here’s how that sounds: “Husband, you’re in charge. As leader, you make the decisions. You are captain, quarterback, superstar, general, president, and every other worldly image of masculine leadership. Which means you do the important stuff. Wife, you are subservient. You do the menial stuff so he can go do the cool stuff.”

That is wrong. Very wrong. Why do we get it wrong? Because we focus on the roles, but miss the role models. Have you ever tried to follow written instructions, and messed everything up, and then you watch someone do it and it finally makes sense? That’s a role model. But copy the wrong model, and you get it just as wrong as they do.

Here in Ephesians 5, when we read wives submit and husbands lead, then look to the world for a model, we ruin it. But read carefully. The passage uses the word submit four times - twice for wives, and twice for all Christians. It uses the word love seven times. Those are important, but we find the church referenced ten times, and Jesus eleven. The focus of this passage on marriage is the relationship between Jesus and the church. 

Verse 22: 

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body…” (Ephesians 5:22-23).

Notice it says nothing about Quarterback, CEO, or captain. We mess this up when we apply a worldly model to a godly directive. In the world the boss gets to do the cool stuff - he gets better pay, more important work, and all the perks. Leave the menial work to the servants. 

But that’s not how Jesus works. Think about it. Jesus came, not to be served, but to serve. He washed dirty feet, cared for children, helped the hurting. Yes, he did miracles too, but He told the disciples, “You will do even greater works than these” (John 14:12). That is how Jesus treats the church.

The role of women in church is still controversial. But for you husbands, if you ever wonder: should you let your wife do the cool work? Ask yourself, what would Jesus let the church do? Heal the sick, reach the lost, turn the world upside down. Jesus wants His church to shine. He makes her shine! And He takes the menial work. He washes their feet. And that is the role model for your marriage. 

When we get Christian marriage wrong, when we apply a worldly model, it not only messes up our marriage, it messes up our view of God. This is crucial. Your relationship with your spouse affects your relationship with God. And it affects your kids' relationship with God. If they see dad treat mom like a lowly servant - because that’s what worldly leaders do - then their picture of following Jesus is tweaked. But when dad lays his life down for mom, your kids get a front row seat to the love of Christ.

Remember Philippians 2 from yesterday, and that amazing call to consider others more important than yourself. Well, Paul points to Jesus as the model of humility. He, being equal with God, humbled himself, and became a man and a servant (Philippians 2:5-7). 

And that’s it for today. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what I did about the dog barf! I cleaned it. And I didn’t have to think about it. I knew my roll. Because I know Jesus. 

And - full disclosure - my wife woke up soon after and cooked breakfast for me and the entire church. And it was delicious. She’s amazing. 

Oh, and your discussion questions.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question 1: Who are your best role models for marriage, and what have you learned from them?

Question 2: What lessons do you learn about marriage from the relationship between Jesus and the church?

And that’s it. Join me tomorrow for ingredient #3. And I promise, no more stories about dog mess. 

Read Ephesians 5:21-33

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.