Pastors Are People TooSample

The Pastor’s Wife

Yes, we’re back to expectations. The damage they do to your pastor is equaled by the damage they inflict on your pastor’s wife. Reasonable and unreasonable, spoken and unspoken - people’s expectations threaten the personality and the passion God instilled within your pastor’s wife.

The minefield of people’s expectations is huge and dangerous. Those expectations, like the ones that impact their husbands, have similar preconceptions:
- The previous pastor’s wife.
- The person’s own imagination.
- A book someone once read.

Someone else’s thoughts, once shared in a groupOften those expectations are neither right nor fair. But they are very real and they are very dangerous.

Like their husbands, pastors’ wives are all different. Not all majored in music in college, nor are all supremely gifted with children. Typing the bulletin or functioning as church secretary does not lie in the comfort zone of every pastor’s wife. They do have a wide range of talents, gifts and dreams. Some are the life of the party, while others avoid parties. There are those who have natural abilities as homemakers while others struggle. Some have great taste in fashion and design, while others have no idea what colors go together, nor do they care. Many have deep faith, but there are others who wrestle with their faith. There are those who pray beautifully in public, while others pray only in private, and some even struggle with their prayer life altogether. Each pastor’s wife is uniquely crafted by a loving, wise God. Yet they are all imperfect, damaged by their own sin, and living life in a fallen world. One thing they share in common: they all face expectations from the people who sit in their church every Sunday.

What is your pastor’s wife like? What makes her heart come alive? Do you have expectations of her that are outside of her talents and desires? Does the rest of the congregation? Is she expected to be a counselor for the women of the church? What if that’s not something she is comfortable with? What if she doesn’t want to lead Bible studies for women? Is it acceptable for a pastor’s wife to be introverted, avoiding the spotlight? Can she be who God created her to be?

Not all pastors’ wives see the church as their primary or even their secondary ministry. (As we have said and will continue to say, their family is their primary ministry.) Some may love teaching in a school or working in the medical field. There are those who are entrepreneurs and business owners. Some love to be at home raising children. They are living out their faith and witness in the places they work or in places they volunteer. That should not only be okay – it should be honored.

Some pastors’ wives just want to be left alone! Maybe they have been wounded in the past. Maybe they are working through their own issues in life. Perhaps they are just quiet individuals who want to live in deep intimacy with their Lord and with their loved ones.

So with that understanding, how can you help your pastor’s wife in the minefield of expectations?

1. Examine your own expectations of your pastor’s wife. Get rid of expectations that are unrealistic or just plain wrong.

2. Let your pastor’s wife know she is not hired staff and that you want her to be free to be who she is. Honor and appreciate her as a unique and beautiful individual. Give her freedom and space.

3. Stand against unrealistic expectations within the church. When people express crazy, unrealistic things, challenge them and set them straight. Stand up for your pastor’s wife.

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