Just Show Up By Kara TippettsSample

The Gift of Silence"

JILL:

When our loved ones are suffering, we so badly want to say the right thing. Preferably something wise, encouraging, and comforting at the same time. Perhaps a Bible verse we’ve memorized for moments such as this or something insightful to earn a bunch of likes on Facebook.

But our people are not expecting profound answers from us—they don’t want them. Hard is hard. And a perfectly phrased thought isn’t going to fix it.

One time, after receiving particularly bad news from Kara, I remember thinking, I have to say something more than my usual “I don’t know what to say.”

I’d been praying for hope, asking God to show up in all of this hard and give us good news.

So, in my brilliance, I texted this: “I just keep praying for hope.”

Kara replied, “We already have it. It just might not be in the way we want it.”

See how far my attempt at saying the right thing got me? My suffering friend ended up encouraging me.

In text or real conversation with Kara, I have rarely come up with anything beyond “This stinks. I’m sorry. I’m praying. I love you.” In the hard we’ve walked through together as friends, I’ve never had the right words.

Our people aren’t expecting us to solve anything or have perfect words. That’s pressure we’re putting on ourselves. The list of stupid things I’ve said to Kara is long and probably extends beyond what I even realize. In fact, some of those things have become the perfect opportunity to laugh when we want to cry.

I once asked Kara if it was killing her not to know something. That was an awful choice of words.

One friend jokingly referred to her own brain as weak, saying she needed to keep things simple, then realized what she’d said and that Kara had just finished brain radiation because of cancer growth. Kara had grace for her, and they ended up laughing about it.

While taking photos, a friend of Kara’s mentioned she wanted to switch sides with her, that her hair was better on one side. A bald Kara turned to her and said, “You don’t need to apology-text me later about that comment. I know it’s going to hit you and you’ll feel bad.” Instead of being offended, Kara changed that into a moment they were able to laugh about.

We’ve done it all. We’ve said it all. Why am I sharing these stories? To show that you will say something you’ll wish you hadn’t. And you might even be able to laugh about it (after you bemoan what you said to a friend).

Through all this hardship, Kara has kept her sense of humor. One time when she wanted to know some news from me, she texted me saying she was dying to know. The next text from her came in quickly: “I’m actually dying, but I also want to know.”

How does a person answer that text? I think I laughed and then wanted to cry. Her ability to still see humor in the midst of horrible hard has been a blessing to all of us.

She’s gone out of her way to make the rest of us comfortable, and she’s taught us it’s okay not to have perfect words. Kara reminds us that showing up matters, that community matters, even when we’re simply there to listen and love.