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HOW CAN I GET MY SPOUSE TO FORGIVE ME?
Patience is one of the most precious jewels in the entire treasury of Christian virtues. It’s valuable in almost every situation, but it becomes particularly important when we’re trying to get back into the good graces of a person we’ve offended in some way.
If you’ve been the guilty party in an affair, don’t get discouraged if your spouse finds it hard to forgive you right away — even if you’ve repented and expressed a sincere desire to rebuild the relationship. Simply realizing and acknowledging your own failure is a huge step in the right direction, of course — there are many people who find it extremely difficult to humble themselves in this way, especially in a marital situation. But that doesn’t mean that you can expect to achieve complete reconciliation overnight. If you’re feeling bogged down, take heart: you’re on the right track. If you’ve confessed your faults to your spouse and he or she is still having a hard time coming to terms, there are some things you can do to help.
In the first place, you can recognize that forgiveness is a process. It ebbs and flows; it starts, stops, and starts again; it gets better and gets worse. No matter what the issue that caused the hurt, forgiveness is usually more than just a one-shot decision. Understand that it may take time for your mate to forgive you. If he or she seems to struggle with or dwell on what you did, that doesn’t necessarily amount to a refusal to forgive. Sights, sounds, and memories can trigger painful episodes. If you’re impatient or inconsiderate, it will only cause more hurt.
You should also bear in mind that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness. Fear often blocks mercy. There are at least three kinds of fear that may be making it difficult for your spouse to complete the process of forgiveness.
First, he or she may be afraid of losing control or power. If this is the case, you can help your mate let go of the need for control by demonstrating your trustworthiness and showing that you understand the seriousness of what you’ve done. Let your spouse see that you have to live with the consequences every day. Assure him or her regularly that you’ve learned a great deal about how deeply your actions have affected the marriage. Show how you’re taking steps to prevent the mistake from occurring again.
Second, your partner may fear being unable to punish the wrongdoing. Maybe your spouse is still in the anger stage and wants you to experience some of the hurt he or she has felt. You must be patient during this stage of the process, whether your mate is right or wrong. Pray for your spouse. Ask God to reveal your broken heart and your desire to make things right. If you’re humble about it, he or she may eventually begin to wonder, Why can’t I forgive? What payoff am I getting out of withholding forgiveness? Questions like these often lead to healing, but it takes time.
Third, it’s possible that your mate is afraid of forgetting what occurred. You can deal with this by helping your spouse understand that you don’t expect him or her not to remember what happened. That’s impossible. Explain that you simply look forward to the day when he or she will no longer be so deeply affected by your actions, and to the opportunity of proving your commitment to make your marriage healthy again. Be as understanding as possible. Impatience will only underline the suspicion that you don’t care about your partner’s struggles.
Throughout this process, make a special effort to be honest with yourself. It’s easy to blame your spouse for failing to forgive when you’re confident that your heart is genuinely remorseful. But there’s a need here for constant self-examination. Keep checking your own attitude and actions. Ask questions like, What exactly caused the hurt in the first place? What behaviors or attitudes do I hold on to that cause more hurt? How do I plan to make the necessary changes? What might God be showing me through my spouse’s inability to forgive?
If necessary, ask a professional counselor or a more mature Christian to help you and your spouse through the process. You might be surprised to learn how many people you respect have actually walked this path before you.
Patience is one of the most precious jewels in the entire treasury of Christian virtues. It’s valuable in almost every situation, but it becomes particularly important when we’re trying to get back into the good graces of a person we’ve offended in some way.
If you’ve been the guilty party in an affair, don’t get discouraged if your spouse finds it hard to forgive you right away — even if you’ve repented and expressed a sincere desire to rebuild the relationship. Simply realizing and acknowledging your own failure is a huge step in the right direction, of course — there are many people who find it extremely difficult to humble themselves in this way, especially in a marital situation. But that doesn’t mean that you can expect to achieve complete reconciliation overnight. If you’re feeling bogged down, take heart: you’re on the right track. If you’ve confessed your faults to your spouse and he or she is still having a hard time coming to terms, there are some things you can do to help.
In the first place, you can recognize that forgiveness is a process. It ebbs and flows; it starts, stops, and starts again; it gets better and gets worse. No matter what the issue that caused the hurt, forgiveness is usually more than just a one-shot decision. Understand that it may take time for your mate to forgive you. If he or she seems to struggle with or dwell on what you did, that doesn’t necessarily amount to a refusal to forgive. Sights, sounds, and memories can trigger painful episodes. If you’re impatient or inconsiderate, it will only cause more hurt.
You should also bear in mind that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness. Fear often blocks mercy. There are at least three kinds of fear that may be making it difficult for your spouse to complete the process of forgiveness.
First, he or she may be afraid of losing control or power. If this is the case, you can help your mate let go of the need for control by demonstrating your trustworthiness and showing that you understand the seriousness of what you’ve done. Let your spouse see that you have to live with the consequences every day. Assure him or her regularly that you’ve learned a great deal about how deeply your actions have affected the marriage. Show how you’re taking steps to prevent the mistake from occurring again.
Second, your partner may fear being unable to punish the wrongdoing. Maybe your spouse is still in the anger stage and wants you to experience some of the hurt he or she has felt. You must be patient during this stage of the process, whether your mate is right or wrong. Pray for your spouse. Ask God to reveal your broken heart and your desire to make things right. If you’re humble about it, he or she may eventually begin to wonder, Why can’t I forgive? What payoff am I getting out of withholding forgiveness? Questions like these often lead to healing, but it takes time.
Third, it’s possible that your mate is afraid of forgetting what occurred. You can deal with this by helping your spouse understand that you don’t expect him or her not to remember what happened. That’s impossible. Explain that you simply look forward to the day when he or she will no longer be so deeply affected by your actions, and to the opportunity of proving your commitment to make your marriage healthy again. Be as understanding as possible. Impatience will only underline the suspicion that you don’t care about your partner’s struggles.
Throughout this process, make a special effort to be honest with yourself. It’s easy to blame your spouse for failing to forgive when you’re confident that your heart is genuinely remorseful. But there’s a need here for constant self-examination. Keep checking your own attitude and actions. Ask questions like, What exactly caused the hurt in the first place? What behaviors or attitudes do I hold on to that cause more hurt? How do I plan to make the necessary changes? What might God be showing me through my spouse’s inability to forgive?
If necessary, ask a professional counselor or a more mature Christian to help you and your spouse through the process. You might be surprised to learn how many people you respect have actually walked this path before you.
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Once you’ve captured a new vision for the future of your marriage, you’re ready for the nuts and bolts of bringing it back to life. The tools you’ll use are things like forgiveness, trust, and restoration. Much of that work will be between you and your spouse. But it’s crucial to start with God. It’s His grace that’ll transform your efforts into reconciliation and healing in your relationship.
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