Keeping It on LockdownSample

THE NITTY GRITTY (PART 2)

6. GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER. Listen, when we’re in love, we get stupid. Seriously. Way before we even know what love is, we make dumb decisions. That’s why the key to keeping it on lockdown is found in asking someone wiser than you to hold you accountable. Share EVERYTHING with them. Text/call them once a week and let them speak into your weaknesses. If they suggest pulling back & not making out for some time, do it. Don’t be afraid to lean into the resistance and challenge yourself to prioritize your commitment.

7. Don’t do this just for religious reasons. That's called the fear of man, and Jesus warned us about that. Have a CONVICTION about this decision born out of revelation and the fear of the Lord. This means you are so afraid of what life would look like apart from God's presence that you want to do everything in your power to ensure your relationships are holy for His presence to dwell in. Have a VISION for your future. What do you want your future marriage/family to look like? What legacy do you want to leave for your kids?

8. DON’T LET SHAME STEAL THE NARRATIVE OF YOUR SEXUAL DESIRE. Much of the conversation on this topic has been condemning and shame-oriented. But God is the one who created sex. And from what I’ve gathered from the data from His designs, shame is not an ingredient He uses. Guilt, however, is a feeling we get when we’ve either done something wrong or morally failed. Feeling guilty for doing something wrong is good because it pushes us in the direction of not making the same mistake twice. Feeling guilt in marriage because of a belief about sex being shameful is not good, and if you struggle with this, I encourage you to seek counseling.

9. Let's talk sleepovers. You want to have a slumber party with your bf/gf, I get it. I can tell you that if you play with fire outside the fireplace long enough, the house WILL eventually burn down. The fireplace represents marriage because sex is at its highest function and fulfillment in a Godly marriage. But without that context, it's a dangerous game. Don’t be passive about these decisions. Be INTENTIONAL with your choices about who sleeps in your bed, and ask yourself, “What makes marriage feel different than dating?” This means the benefits of marriage are what keep it sacred, and indulging in those benefits while dating creates no distinction between marriage/discourages partners from pursuing it. PRO TIP: Keep the marriage benefits for marriage & steer away from sleepovers (unless your mamma is sleeping on the top bunk, in which case pillow-fight it up.)

10. Date someone who has a vision for their life & make that your main priority in finding the right person. Don’t deepen the level of intimacy until your vision aligns & you’ve established a level of trust in all areas covered above. Contrary to popular belief, dating isn’t for sexual compatibility. I know you wanna just blurt out, “But Esther, what if the sex is bad and you’re already married?” Take it from me, the 33-year-old virgin: the sex WAS bad at first. That’s normal, and we need to stop celebrating sex as if it’s only good with “experience” by multiple partners. Get that junk mentality out of your head. Sex with your spouse is a kind of passionate intimacy no previous experience will ever compare to. It only gets better, more fiery, and electric over time. As a newly married woman, I can report that the data is accurate and that the fulfillment we have in marriage is so worth the process of committing to keep it on lockdown while dating.

FINAL THOUGHTS

While this guide was designed to lean heavily on practical wisdom, I want to address the fact that a very real spiritual war is fighting for your virtue (I share more in-depth about this in Slay the Sexy Dragon). The enemy hates anything God created and is committed to perverting your desires. But God's plan for your sexual wholeness is a good one, and He wants you to live in the fullness of it. I pray this guide equipped you with strategy, removed any gray areas causing you to stay lukewarm, and gave you a new perspective to make healthy decisions in your relationships. This can and should be the new normal. Hook-up culture has had the mic long enough, informing us how to live while making empty promises. I wrote this guide because you deserve to hear the truth & know God's beautiful purpose behind your desires.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into my resources or learning more about me & my husband (or just to see our cute husky), check out my website. Send me a message on Instagram and let me know how God spoke to you through this plan.

If no one has told you today, I’m proud of you. May God's grace rest on you as you seek Him to live in holiness. He is worthy of the cost.