Get the appUnequally Yoked In Marriage: Challenges And OpportunitiesSample
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE LOSES FAITH
It’s possible, of course, that a spouse’s attitude toward spiritual things might change over the years. Sometimes a marriage that began as a solid, like-minded union between two equally dedicated followers of Jesus takes an unexpected turn later in life. For any number of reasons, one member of the pair may decide to walk away from the faith. When that happens, the remaining believer finds himself or herself faced with the challenge of a lifetime. To survive this crisis, a faithful Christian needs lots of outside assistance and support.
If this is your situation, you can expect to experience some pretty heavy emotional reactions, including grief, disappointment, loneliness, and anger. It’s not hard to see why. For years you and your spouse have been involved in an intense, close-knit love triangle: husband, wife, and God. Now one member of the fellowship has broken the ring. As the “surviving Christian,” you’re reeling under the effects of this shattering decision. Whether anybody realizes it or not, this isn’t merely a question of your partner’s broken relationship with God. He or she is abandoning you as well. So don’t be surprised if you feel hurt and confused.
Your assignment at this point is to resist the temptation to react out of that hurt and confusion. Your mission is to stand in the gap. Do everything you can to preserve the circle. Keep one hand in the hand of God and the other in your spouse’s. Fix your eyes on the invisible third Member of the marriage triangle. He’s still there whether your partner acknowledges Him or not. Remember that this relationship is about committed love. Your mate’s change of heart regarding the Christian faith can never change that. There’s no reason why you can’t stay married and continue to demonstrate your ongoing love in spite of his or her sudden claim to be an atheist.
To put it another way, you’ve been given a choice. On the one hand, you can panic. You can respond to the bombshell out of your own pain, making a bad situation even worse. On the other hand, you can take your pain to the Lord. You can lay the situation before him in prayer. You can allow Him to heal you, comfort you, and equip you for the task of loving your spouse. You can find strength in the infinite resources of His unconditional love. The decision is entirely yours.
A word of warning. It’s likely that you won’t be able to make the right choice – and stick with it – by yourself. As we’ve already said, you’re going to need help. You need sound counsel and strong community. We recommend that you get some solid biblical guidance from a qualified Christian therapist. It’s the only way you’ll be able to guard your heart and stay on track as you walk through this dark valley. Then take steps to link up with two or three strong Christian friends. They should be mature believers in whom you can confide and who will commit themselves to make this difficult journey with you. Remember the words of Solomon: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10).
Meanwhile, there’s an important thought you should keep in mind. Your spouse claims to have rejected the Christian faith, but you can be pretty sure that this is a case where “the issue is not the (real) issue.” No one simply walks away from God after years of loving and serving Him faithfully. This sudden onset of atheism is probably a surface symptom. The real problem is likely to be something much deeper and far more personal in nature. It would not be surprising to find that your spouse is struggling under a heavy load of unresolved pain, conflict, anger, and resentment toward God. People usually feel this way when they think that He has unfairly allowed them to go through some kind of hurtful experience.
One thing is certain. If you can find a way to empathize enter into your spouse’s pain, this crisis could become the gateway to a whole new phase of positive growth in your relationship. It might even turn out to be the key to discovering what it really means to trust Christ. When you feel tempted to panic, take a deep breath and focus on this mind-boggling thought. Whether your partner knows it or not, he or she could actually be closer to God now than ever before. The Lord often intervenes and redeems situations like this in ways we could never have imagined in our wildest dreams.
It’s possible, of course, that a spouse’s attitude toward spiritual things might change over the years. Sometimes a marriage that began as a solid, like-minded union between two equally dedicated followers of Jesus takes an unexpected turn later in life. For any number of reasons, one member of the pair may decide to walk away from the faith. When that happens, the remaining believer finds himself or herself faced with the challenge of a lifetime. To survive this crisis, a faithful Christian needs lots of outside assistance and support.
If this is your situation, you can expect to experience some pretty heavy emotional reactions, including grief, disappointment, loneliness, and anger. It’s not hard to see why. For years you and your spouse have been involved in an intense, close-knit love triangle: husband, wife, and God. Now one member of the fellowship has broken the ring. As the “surviving Christian,” you’re reeling under the effects of this shattering decision. Whether anybody realizes it or not, this isn’t merely a question of your partner’s broken relationship with God. He or she is abandoning you as well. So don’t be surprised if you feel hurt and confused.
Your assignment at this point is to resist the temptation to react out of that hurt and confusion. Your mission is to stand in the gap. Do everything you can to preserve the circle. Keep one hand in the hand of God and the other in your spouse’s. Fix your eyes on the invisible third Member of the marriage triangle. He’s still there whether your partner acknowledges Him or not. Remember that this relationship is about committed love. Your mate’s change of heart regarding the Christian faith can never change that. There’s no reason why you can’t stay married and continue to demonstrate your ongoing love in spite of his or her sudden claim to be an atheist.
To put it another way, you’ve been given a choice. On the one hand, you can panic. You can respond to the bombshell out of your own pain, making a bad situation even worse. On the other hand, you can take your pain to the Lord. You can lay the situation before him in prayer. You can allow Him to heal you, comfort you, and equip you for the task of loving your spouse. You can find strength in the infinite resources of His unconditional love. The decision is entirely yours.
A word of warning. It’s likely that you won’t be able to make the right choice – and stick with it – by yourself. As we’ve already said, you’re going to need help. You need sound counsel and strong community. We recommend that you get some solid biblical guidance from a qualified Christian therapist. It’s the only way you’ll be able to guard your heart and stay on track as you walk through this dark valley. Then take steps to link up with two or three strong Christian friends. They should be mature believers in whom you can confide and who will commit themselves to make this difficult journey with you. Remember the words of Solomon: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10).
Meanwhile, there’s an important thought you should keep in mind. Your spouse claims to have rejected the Christian faith, but you can be pretty sure that this is a case where “the issue is not the (real) issue.” No one simply walks away from God after years of loving and serving Him faithfully. This sudden onset of atheism is probably a surface symptom. The real problem is likely to be something much deeper and far more personal in nature. It would not be surprising to find that your spouse is struggling under a heavy load of unresolved pain, conflict, anger, and resentment toward God. People usually feel this way when they think that He has unfairly allowed them to go through some kind of hurtful experience.
One thing is certain. If you can find a way to empathize enter into your spouse’s pain, this crisis could become the gateway to a whole new phase of positive growth in your relationship. It might even turn out to be the key to discovering what it really means to trust Christ. When you feel tempted to panic, take a deep breath and focus on this mind-boggling thought. Whether your partner knows it or not, he or she could actually be closer to God now than ever before. The Lord often intervenes and redeems situations like this in ways we could never have imagined in our wildest dreams.
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About this Plan
Marrying someone who doesn’t share your faith in Jesus Christ is no casual affair. Disagreeing between chocolate and vanilla is a relational speed bump. Disagreeing between worldviews can be a mountain. Whether you became a Christian before or after you got married, or whether you’re single and dating or building a romantic relationship, let’s talk about the challenges and the opportunities that come with being in a spiritual mismatch.
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