How to Keep the Peace with Our Parents

Being a family is a huge challenge with all sorts of pressures our ancestors never faced. And behind all the statistics of marriage break-ups, housing issues and recession, and a dependence on technology at the expense of relationships, are real people, real lives, and real hurt. The figures only confirm what we have seen happen to friends, neighbours, relations, and even ourselves.

Against this background, we come to the fifth commandment, to ‘Honour your father and mother’. What can this commandment have to say to us now, in a world where the dysfunctional family seems to be normal? I don’t think this commandment is exclusively to do with the relationship between parents and children. The fifth commandment addresses the whole concept of the family.

The good news is that the Bible is positive about families; the family was God’s idea – an integral part of being human.

God affirms families. He intended them to be something powerful for good, places of belonging and trust, of learning and loving. But when family relationships go wrong, their very power can make them places of long-lasting bitterness and hurt.

The encouraging news is that God does more than simply lay down a commandment and then frown at us when we mess up. Time and time again, we are told in the Bible that God isn’t distant or remote. He cherishes us and grieves over us. And sets us an example by being the model parent who cares for and nurtures us.

God is everything that a father should be – perfectly good, faithful, true, and trustworthy. He can always be relied upon. He’s the ultimate parent, like the closest, most caring guardian or gentlest mother, and he particularly cares for those who are broken by their upbringing.

In the Bible, Jacob is a man who needed to learn. He’d been at the rough end of some poor parenting involving favouritism, sibling rivalry, and a split between his parents. Yet he seems to have learned nothing from it.

The really bad news about bad parenting is that it gets passed down to the next generation. As Jacob’s story unfolds, giving a special gift to his favourite son Joseph, the jealousy that is created between his many sons, murder plots and revenge, immorality, and lies, it’s clear the events are an almost inevitable outworking of his bad family management.

After many twists, God works out Jacob’s family story for the good, but failure in families can, if unchecked, echo on for generations. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I would urge you, particularly if you are from a family that did not function well, to ‘learn to learn’. Don’t let the past ruin your future.

Even in the best families, large doses of forgiveness are often needed.

I believe the fifth commandment works both ways. As well as children honouring their parents, parents must earn that right by working at parenting.

Even if our experience of family has been a positive one, there’s no doubt it’s hard work. And it’s easy to be discouraged; families are an area where we all make mistakes.

Above all, remember that God can transform. Jesus came, died, and rose again so that the gap between people and God might be restored, and so our relationships with each other might be healed.