The Rhythm of UsSample

The Rhythm of Serving

One of the greatest gifts we were given at the very beginning of our marriage was the opportunity to sit with and learn from a handful of inspiring, remarkable couples whom we greatly admired as they graciously poured out their wisdom for us young bucks. One of the rhythms we found in each of these couples—and that we continue to see in thriving couples we meet along the way—is the intentional way they serve one another. It seems to be a keystone value across the board. Think for a moment of the couples you admire most, and I promise you if you were to map out their weekly rhythms, focusing on each other’s needs would rise to the top of the list.

Of course, most of us wake up each morning thinking of our own needs first, almost involuntarily. I sure need some coffee. . . . Whew! I’ve got that meeting coming up today. . . . Man, my muscles are tight; I sure could use a massage. . . . We just wake up immediately aware of our own needs and our own agenda. As Jan Peterson said,

“We all start out self-centered. . . . Our wants are our world.”

It takes a great deal of practice and considerable intention to train our eyes to see in a different way. No marriage can flourish when our eyes are consistently focused on ourselves.

In fact, a life focused only on ourselves is no life at all. As a good pastor friend of ours says,

“People interested only in themselves will have the most difficulty in life and cause the most danger for others.”

People who consistently choose to show genuine interest in those around them are rare and magnetic. We gravitate toward them. If a marriage only serves one person, it will start to fall apart. We have to intentionally shift our eyes, choosing to see, care about, and get to know our spouse’s world as well as our own. Thriving couples are thoroughly interested in each other’s lives.

Removing ourselves from the center of our universe and stepping into the rhythm of serving brings tremendous joy to our spouse—we also receive great benefits. As poet Maya Angelou said,

“You shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”

As we grow toward maturity in life and marriage, strengthening our ability to see beyond our own wants and needs, we find that “throwing something back” is a lot of fun. In fact, it’s one of the greatest joys in life! When we go out of our way to make someone else happy, the joy becomes our own. When was the last time you went out of your way to serve your spouse and watched their face light up with joy? There’s nothing like it.

One of the most powerful stories in the scriptures of serving is when Jesus was hours away from experiencing his brutal death on the cross. In that moment, in the upper room with His disciples, it would have been easy for Him to desire praise and affirmation as He looked toward the future He was about to face. But, what did He do instead? He served. He wrapped a towel around His waist, took the lowliest position He could, and went from person to person, washing their dirty, stinky feet. (John 13:1-17)

When we choose to serve others, we look the most like our Savior. We don’t serve because it’s easy or because of what we might receive in return. We serve because this is the rhythm modeled for us by the One we follow. I’m not saying that washing your husband’s sweaty gym clothes or sticking your hand in a sink full of disgusting, swampy dishwater is the same as Jesus washing the disciple’s feet, but we can posture ourselves with the same heart that Jesus had on that incredible night. The heart of a servant. Resist the urge to keep score. Serve without expectation of return. Throw away the scorecard, and trust God to take care of you.

Practice:

• Take some time to listen to your spouse’s life this week. Ask them to share a few ways you could serve that would be particularly meaningful to them.
• Create a daily habit of serving your spouse. Find a small, specific daily task that you can do to communicate love to your spouse, then consistently practice it.
• What is something your spouse has asked you to do for a while now? Change the light bulbs in the hallway? Go camping? Plan a date night? Initiate intimacy? Reflect over your conversations and choose just one thing you could surprise them with this week.
• Where is your spouse uniquely gifted? Take a moment this week to notice and name just one area where your spouse shines.