Words From the Window SeatSample

For a very, very long time, I felt guilty about loving God while also struggling with deep mental health issues. Since meeting Jesus, I have been taught that I am not to worry, have anxiety, or stress about the things I cannot control. While all of this is true and important, where does that leave me—the girl with years of suppressed depression, anxiety, and stress? These things are embedded into my bones. I’ve gone up for healing prayers. I’ve gotten on my hands and knees and begged to be “normal.” I’ve tried so many times to do the best I can to handle and trust when life is happening. But you know what? I miss the mark a lot.

I’m still not fully there yet. I still wake up and have issues that are going to take time to figure out and heal from. There was a time I decided to get on medication to try and help. After a few different trial and error runs with finding the right medication, I finally found the right one. Let me tell you here first if you haven’t heard it before: that is okay. I didn’t know what was the right way to go about things or how I was supposed to get better without feeling guilty all of the time. I want you to know that there is no reason to feel guilty. No matter what the world tells you, or what the church tells you, or what your family tells you, it is your journey and yours alone.

One of the most important things I have learned throughout my journey is that vulnerability and healing go hand in hand with my mental health fight. Vulnerability is so important. As much as I have wanted to stay hidden and not burden people with my pain, it is one of the most important aspects of healing. Asking for help at the beginning felt like having to do karaoke; not only am I absolutely horrible at it, but it’s also my deepest fear. I started letting others in by sharing snippets of my fight on the internet and making new friends who I trusted to help me carry my pain. I used to be so bad about that, but I learned people make the healing more beautiful and less terrifying when we let them into our pain.

Prayer

Lord, thank you for knowing me inside and out. Would you help me continue to do the inner work alongside of you. Thank you for always being with me through the beauty and the pain, and thank you for sending loved ones to support me when I need help. Amen.