The Second Happy by Pastor Kevin MyersSample

Put Out the Fire

Early in my career as a pastor, I heard John Maxwell teach a concept that I’ve often used in my marriage, family, leadership, and church. It’s a simple concept, but I think it is one of the clearest pictures and the most profound practices for developing and maintaining healthy relationships. 

Here’s the concept. Imagine that everyone carries around two buckets in life. Every day. Everywhere. One bucket contains gasoline, and the other contains water. How you use those buckets will either build things up or burn things down in your life. This idea has transformed my life and my marriage. And its value has only increased over the years. Marcia and I believe that if you choose your bucket wisely, it will not only build your marriage, but it will change your life.

Whenever a problem arises—a spark of disagreement, an ember of anger, a flame of offense—when you respond, you choose one of the two buckets and pour it on the problem. If you choose the water bucket, you extinguish the flames and stop the fire. If you choose the gasoline bucket, you turn that small spark into a raging, destructive fire. That’s all there is to it. In a window of time as brief as two seconds, you make a choice of which bucket to use.

Almost anything can start a fire in your marriage. It can be something as small as a misunderstanding, an unkind word, an unmet expectation, or even some imaginary offenses. Or the problem can be much greater, such as broken trust, a betrayal, or adultery. No matter the size of the spark, when you fight fire with fire by pouring gasoline on it, what blows up is your marriage.

If Marcia and I could convince you of one thing, it would be the power of the water bucket to calm conflict, diffuse anger, prevent malice, and diminish disrespect toward one another. The power of the water bucket can revive a marriage through forgiveness. It can wash away bitterness. If you have become bitter and feel imprisoned by it, know that you hold the key to unlock the door and let yourself out whenever you choose. All it takes is a commitment to choose the right bucket.

Prayer: Lord, please help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Help me to be kind and build up my spouse in even the most challenging circumstances.

--For more information on this topic, Pastor Kevin Myers has written a resource called The Second Happy: 7 Practices to Make Your Marriage Better Than Your Honeymoon. You can find out more about this resource here: https://amzn.to/3rUfuHr