The Marriage Talks Part 2 | Love & RespectSample

Day 4 | 1st Peter 3:1-6 | His Respect Language

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Welcome back my friends to the Marriage Talks on Through the Word. Kris Langham with you again for Day 4 in our series on Love and Respect. Now most marriage books will tell you that communication is key. And that’s true, but that communication only helps if you understand each other. That’s true for words, it’s true for love, and it’s true for respect. Your respect language is not quite the same as your spouse's.

So we’re gonna open up the Bible to talk about his and her respect languages. Now we’re not all the same, so in the discussion you’ll talk through how it applies to each of you personally.

But let’s start with the men. Ephesians 5:33 is our verse again, reminding us that the husband...

“…must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

Now today’s study is going to be one-sided. We’re focusing on his respect language first. Don’t worry, tomorrow’s will be all about her. But sometimes it helps to focus on one at a time because they’re different. So just know we will restore balance to the force tomorrow.

So what speaks respect to your husband? Well, since this is part of the respect you’re called to show God, what does respect for God look like? Read the Bible, and you pick up pretty quickly that God is big on trust. Proverbs 3:5:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart” (Proverbs 3:5).

And a hundred other verses and psalms and stories all through the Bible say the same. If God has a respect language, I would say that trust is it. Trust His plans. Trust in His love for you.

Now I realize that your husband is not the Lord, and he’s really not worthy of the same trust. He’s human. He tries and fails. Sometimes he barely tries. But remember, show your trust in God through your husband. Believe in your husband. Not in his infallibility, that’s not real. But believe in God’s calling on your husband’s life, and believe in the gifts that God has given him to live out that calling. That kind of faith speaks the world to your man. Speaking from personal experience, when I feel overwhelmed and the world just wants to take me down, everything changes when my wife reminds me that she believes in me. It’s like nitro in the tank.

Now ladies I’m not telling you to be a fool or a doormat. If your man lies and cheats, don’t trust a liar. But you should still respect him out of respect for God. That’s difficult, but it’s powerful. Or even if he’s a decent man but not a believer, 1st Peter 3:1 tells you that you showing respect for him is a powerful testimony. More powerful than all your words. Why? Because now your unbelieving husband is the middleman in a transaction between you and God. It’s not just words any more. When your respect for God is channeled through him, there’s substance to it, and he can’t avoid it. And if he is a believer, a decent man and trying his best, your faith in him can give him the confidence to be a better man.

And that doesn’t have to be blind faith. Just because he’s the head doesn’t mean he makes all the decisions alone. Only a foolish and arrogant leader believes he’s in charge because he has all the answers. Husband, pay attention. A wise leader listens to advice. A wise husband listens to his wife. So communicate. Make decisions together. Wives, ask him to respect your input. And for your part, respect his judgment.

And that sort of faith also changes the way your husband sees you. Back in 1st Peter 3, women are told to make sure their beauty isn’t all about outward appearance and fancy clothes. The makeup and cute outfit can catch his eye, and that’s great. But that shouldn’t be the source of your beauty, because that beauty fades. 1st Peter 3:4, in the NLT:

“You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands" (1 Peter 3:4-5, NLT).

Interesting, the Old Testament tells us that Abraham’s wife Sarah was very beautiful - even into old age. But the New Testament explains that her real beauty wasn’t about her looks. It was her trust in God and her respect for her husband’s authority (1 Peter 3:5-6). Not flattery or subservience. If you missed part 1, let me remind you that sort of misogyny is not biblical! And though flattery and subservience may attract a shallow man, a godly man will be attracted to a woman who shows him respect while standing firm in her own dignity. Proverbs 31 speaks of the noble wife:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity” (Proverbs 31:25).

And husband, respect that strength. More on that tomorrow. But for you wives, if you want more insight on his language, listen in on the way men speak to friends and teammates. Men speak the language of respect naturally. Or disrespect, depending on what sort of man they are. Now you’re not one of the boys, so don’t copy them. Don’t call your husband bro. But listen in. When a man struggles, a brother builds him up. “You got this.” Though he might correct wrong actions or attitudes, a true brother always shows respect for who you are. “You’re a better man than this. I believe in you. God’s got you.” They can call you out on failures and sins, but they will always respect identity, respect skills, and respect calling. And though the words may be different, it will mean a thousand times more coming from you.

So here are few keys to communicating respect to your husband. Now you might want to write these down, because you’re gonna talk about them in the discussion. So pause if you need to now and grab something to write with - one for each of you. Okay, six keys to respecting your husband:

#1. Let him lead. When you follow and trust his leadership, he feels strong.

#2. Communicate trust. Tell him you believe in him, his calling, and his ability.

#3. Support his decisions, even when you disagree. You should voice your opinion, and he should listen. But when he decides, support him. He already doubts himself. Let your voice be the one that believes in him.

#4. Appreciate him whether or not his decisions work out. If he’s a decent man, he’s working hard. Notice his work. Acknowledge his sacrifices. They don’t always work out, but he’s trying. Succeed or fail, remind him you still support him. That’s huge.

#5. Praise his accomplishments. Men focus on the win column. They just do. But life is full of risk, and some things don’t work out. Encourage him through the losses, and celebrate the wins. And...

#6. Have his back and cheer in his corner. The world will beat him down daily. But you are his girl worth fighting for. Remind him of that - by cheering him on. He may be out fighting for the greater good, but you are the greatest good he’s ever gonna get!

Okay, enough Disney quotes. That is his respect language. But to be honest, I didn’t have Bible verses for those, they just made sense to me. But every man is different! So in discussion time, you figure out which ones apply to your man, which don’t, and which ones I missed.

So let’s get to it. I’m gonna warn you up front, this discussion might be tough because it could poke at some old scars. This is hard to get right for most of us, and you may be surprised how deep it hits. But if you want to heal and grow, you have to talk it through. So start with prayer, and commit up front to speak and listen with humility and grace. Remember, no shaming. And men, if she’s gonna talk through your respect language, promise you’ll talk through hers on the next one. Both are important.

Okay, for this one, you need to each have the six keys of his respect language written down. And before you start in, decide if I missed anything. If I left something out, add that first. Once you both have a good list, answer the following questions separately, then compare and discuss.

For Thought and Discussion

Question #1: Look back over the keys to his respect language. For each one, give it a score from 1 to 10 of how important that is to you. Women, rate how important you think it is to him. Then compare. Where did you rate differently and discuss why?

Question #2: Look back over the list again, and decide which ones you want to work on. Ladies pick two that you want to improve on. Men pick two you could use some more of. Then talk them through, and get specific. Talk through real situations.

And that’s it. Read your passage, get talking, and I’ll meet you back here for Day 5.

Read 1 Peter 3:1-6, Proverbs 31:25, & Ephesians 5:33,

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.