Love & RespectSample

Get Off My Air Hose! 

Oblivious. Disconnected. Uncaring. Obtuse. These are harsh words, right? They come from a woman who, while crying, wrote in her journal some feelings her husband triggered in her after a particularly bad interaction when he “stepped on her air hose.” In response, he angrily got in his car and thought, accusingly, overemotional. Critical. Unsupportive. Disrespectful. Because she, in response to his reaction toward her, had also pinched his air hose. The fallout? Both were left suffocating, in isolation, with depleted love and respect tanks. 

What does it mean to step on your spouse’s air hose? Based on Ephesians 5:33, Eggerichs explains a cycle (the Crazy Cycle) that the woman and man naturally fall into unless they have tools to intentionally disengage from the crazy. “Without love, she reacts without respect.” If a wife needs love like she needs the air to breathe, and she’s being suffocated (because he stepped on her air hose), she will react disrespectfully. In turn, “without respect, he reacts without love.” If he needs unconditional respect like he needs the air to breathe, and he’s being criticized or attacked in some way (she is stepping on his air hose), he will definitely react in a way that feels unloving to his wife. 

What are you each really feeling when this suffocating atmosphere alters your mind, aside from how you feel about each other? Men, you likely feel disrespected, defensive, judged, criticized, never good enough, and beaten down. Ladies, you probably feel unloved, wounded, misunderstood, rejected, unimportant, and abandoned. 

You can see how important it is to have an understanding of one another’s core differences. But to alter your reactions to your spouse is where the magic begins.

When your foot is hovering over your spouse’s air hose, and you feel like what you do or say could potentially cut off feelings of love, belonging, respect, and connection, take a pause. Check your tone. The number one thing in a conversation that, according to Eggerichs’s research, can help a relationship the most is to be aware of the tone of your conversations. Does your tone have an undercurrent of love and respect? Or do you sound hostile and contemptuous? This is the moment where you can keep the love and respect tanks filled, or you can pull the plug and let your ego get injected instead. Trust me . . . keep the tank filled and let the ego deflate!

Responses for men when feeling triggered:

·  Be willing to try and resolve issues instead of fleeing.

·  Acknowledge what she is saying and feeling (aka: hear her out calmly).

·  Share your feelings instead of holding them inside.

·  Move toward her instead of away from her so she can feel reassured of your love during the conflict.

Responses for women when feeling triggered:

·  Trust his ability to analyze things and offer a solution.

·  Withhold judgment and instead ask for him to express his feelings.

·  Acknowledge him as the primary leader.

·  Validate his need for respect, even in times of conflict . . . and even when he’s in the wrong!

Questions for you and your spouse:

First Corinthians 7:3 says, “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” In ancient Israel, a newly married soldier was relieved of all “duties” in his first year of marriage except for that of giving “happiness to his wife whom he has taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5 NASB). The Israelites understood that the first year of marriage is fundamental to set the tone for the relationship. Did you and your spouse become really close during your first year of marriage? If yes, recall how you developed that bond. Intend to go deeper still. If you answered no, you have some catching up to do. Look forward to spending intentional time learning who your spouse is, beyond what you think you know.

Husbands: Women crave involvement (connection). Find a way to interact with your wife face-to-face with an activity or conversation you know would mean a lot to her.

Wives: Husbands long for shoulder-to-shoulder activity with you (friendship). Seek out a way to respect this inborn trait and join him in some of his interests and hobbies.

Lord, I understand the need to truly know my spouse on a deeper level. Open my eyes to the things I have not yet seen and help me be supportive of their needs.