Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social MediaSample

"FRIENDING" AN OLD FLAME

There’s a question that sometimes arises when married couples get involved with social media: is it okay to “friend” an “old flame” on Facebook?

Ironically, the problem is easier to resolve in the case of a troubled marriage. The more difficulty a couple is experiencing, the more obvious it should be that they cannot and must not tolerate outside temptations or intrusions. In situations of this nature, the answer is a definite no. Like “little foxes” to tender vines, “friend” requests from old boyfriends or girlfriends can do great damage to a fragile or hurting marriage.

Things get more complicated when the marriage is strong. In such instances, it’s important for spouses to discuss the issue before making up their minds. After all, a good marriage is worth protecting. As has been noted elsewhere, a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers revealed that Facebook has been a major factor in one out of five U. S. divorces. This in itself suggests that the risks associated with “old flame” friend requests could easily outweigh any potential benefits. You need to be careful about exposing your relationship to threats of any kind, no matter how remote they may seem.

If you are thinking about initiating contact with an “old flame,” you should stop and reflect before moving ahead. Would it be helpful or harmful to your marriage to re-establish a connection with this person? Ask yourself exactly why you might want to take this step. Are you absolutely certain that you don’t feel compelled to revisit the past because of present discontentment? Have you been thinking about the way things “might have been” if this particular relationship had turned out differently? We’re not necessarily suggesting that this is the case. We’re just saying that it deserves some thought. In the final analysis, it’s a decision that you must make together with your spouse.

If it’s the other party — the old boyfriend or girlfriend — initiating the contact, it would probably be a good idea to ask yourself some questions about his or her motives. Naturally, you have no way of knowing exactly what this individual is thinking. You may, however, have some strong intuitions one way or the other about his or her reasons for getting in touch. Take some time to think this over and to discuss it with your spouse before moving ahead. If you suspect that the other party’s intentions are not entirely appropriate or honorable, ignore the request and move on.

If you choose to go ahead and “friend” your “old flame,” we’d urge you to do so via a Facebook account that intentionally reflects the healthy nature of your marriage. As alluded to previously, this page should be filled with images designed to remind visitors of your relationship with your spouse. As far as possible, photos should frequently show the two of you together. The whole point is to represent yourselves as a unit. This will prevent the other person interpreting the online “friendship” in the wrong way. If the “old flame” is married, it’s also important to consider what impact your actions may have on his or her spouse. While your marriage may be strong enough to accommodate a reestablishment of this friendship, it could very well introduce conflict and be a source of marital difficulty for the other couple.

On the positive side, it’s worth noting that husbands and wives who connect with old friends via Facebook may be rewarded with unprecedented opportunities to enter into the details of one another’s personal dating histories. This can be an enriching experience. But it can also get tricky if it turns into a source of tension, suspicion, or jealousy. Such developments may have a healthy and beneficial effect if they help you get rid of secrets and shed some light on the past. Everything depends on the couple in question and how they choose to handle such revelations. Our recommendation is that you maintain an “open door” policy. Then be prepared to do the necessary hard work if issues from the past arise that seem to require attention.