Caring Enough To Confront By David AugsburgerSample

Day Four

The Question at Hand

Scripture: Matthew 5:37

The most frequently misused communication pattern is the question. Questions can be clever, coercive, or concealed ways of either offering opinions, passing judgment, or manipulating others.

Six of the most commonly used pseudo-questions are: 

The leading question that misleads: “Don’t you feel that . . . ?”; “Wouldn’t you rather . . . ?” This limits or restricts the range of possible responses and leads the witness down the primrose path to make an admission or commitment that the questioner wishes, not what the responder wants.

The punishing question that scolds: “Why did you say (do, try) that?” This punishes by seeking to arouse conflicts in the other or define the other person in such a way that infers there is inconsistency, contradiction, or dishonesty between intention and action. 

The demanding question that imposes: “When are you going to do something about . . . ?” This actually makes a demand or sneaks in a hidden command under the guise of an innocent request for innocuous information.

The dreaming question that conceals: “If you were in charge here, would you rather . . . ?” This asks for hypothetical answers. The function is to criticize in a covert way—to call a point of view impractical or irrelevant but to do it as a harmless fantasy.

The needling question that provokes: “What are you waiting for?” This can have multiple meanings and often puts the other person on the attack.

The trapping question that ensnares: “Didn’t you once say that . . . ?” This maneuvers the other into a vulnerable position ready for the hatchet. 

I can do with a lot fewer questions. Especially those beginning with “why.” “Why” questions are most often covert ways of attempted control. “Why” doesn’t ask a simple question; it tends to evaluate and judge motives and intention. “What” or “how” deal with what is wanted in our relationship and how we can get it. I want to eliminate “why” from my relationships. “What” and “how” offers all the information I need to know to relate effectively.  

Clear communication gives clean, simple yes or no responses. It seeks to eliminate patterns of domination that reduce the other’s freedom and increase the injustices, the personal injuries, the intrusions into another’s sacred space. 

In what ways can questions be manipulative? What steps could you take this week to decrease the number of questions you ask?