I Can’t Find a Wife

“I can’t find what I’m looking for.”

“What are you looking for?”

Silence.

I’ve had many conversations like this when talking with young men and women about their frustrated desires for a wife or a husband. A little more probing usually reveals that they’ve been looking for the wrong thing, often prioritizing physical appearance or financial prospects.

What should we be looking for in a husband or wife? Let’s hear Solomon’s wisdom, gained through painful personal experience.

Relational Incompatibility Is a Nightmare (21:9, 19)

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. . . . It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (21:9, 19). Although this sounds sexist, we must remember that although the proverbs apply to both men and women, Solomon is specifically addressing his sons in the book of Proverbs. But whatever is true of the male experience is usually true of the female experience too.

We can imagine Solomon’s miserable marriage to an angry and anxious woman. There he is, living in palatial luxury, but all he can think is, “How can I find a quiet corner on the roof? Or, ideally, a tent in the desert?” Why is he so wretchedly unhappy? Why would he give anything to exchange his billionaire lifestyle for a nomad’s tent?

He cannot get away from his angry and argumentative wife. No amount of beauty or sensuality can compensate for their spiritual, moral, mental, and emotional incompatibility. The verbal and psychological warfare has worn him down. However she looks on his arm at royal functions, he can’t stand the sight or sound of her at home.

If we look for a physical fit, we’ll be fit for nothing.

So what should I be looking for?

Relational Compatibility Is a Dream (18:22)

Solomon doesn’t explicitly state what to look for in an ideal wife (or husband), but it’s implicit, isn’t it? Prioritize spiritual, moral, and ethical compatibility. That doesn’t mean looking for someone who is identical to you in every way or agrees with you in everything. But it does mean asking God to direct you to someone who fundamentally shares your faith, your principles, and your morals, someone with the same foundational beliefs, values, and ethics.

A compatible couple are on the same wavelength, they are like-minded, and they are in sync with one another on the most important things. And when they differ, they agree on how to differ, how to minimize differences, how to deal with differences, how to resolve differences, and how to live with them.

If God gives you such a fitting and appropriate wife (or husband), then you can live happily on a housetop or in the desert. You are relationally rich, which is life’s greatest wealth.

A good fit is better than perfect finances.

Changing Our Story with God’s Story

If you’ve found a compatible husband or wife, praise God for this. If you are incompatible, confess to God that you made a serious mistake in what you were looking for, and ask him for grace to live as agreeably as possible.

We are reminded of the wonder that Christ came seeking incompatible sinners to marry. We quarreled with him, but instead of retreating to the rooftop or running to the desert, he advanced to the cross and ran to deliver us. Having married us, he gradually makes us compatible with him and gives us relational riches that no husband or wife can supply.

Summary: What should we be looking for in a husband or wife? Prioritize spiritual compatibility above beauty or security for a beautiful and secure life.

Question: How can you become more compatible for your partner or your Savior?

Prayer: Holy God, thank you for the gospel that not only makes your people compatible with you but with one another.