Dating With PurposeUddrag

Dating: The Big Lie

I’ve jokingly referred to dating as “The BIG Lie.” Each person puts their best foot forward in an attempt to be liked by the other.

Please understand it’s not that these people are really trying to deceive each other. They just want the other person to like them and so they present themselves in the best manner possible. Because everyone is on their best behavior, love is natural, invigorating, energizing, and hope producing. It comes easy and requires little in the way of emotional trust, vulnerability, or an intermingling of one another’s lives.

In this environment, everyone is ready for love and is quickly captivated by it.

Here’s the point: most people during the pre-dating and early dating stages are focused on finding the right person and then impressing their socks off when what they ought to focus on is being authentic.

Of course you want to make a good first impression. But you need to get past that pretty quickly. In other words, get real about who you are. Yes, that creates a vulnerable feeling and, perhaps, a fear that your real self might push them away, but transparency helps your relationship become founded on the truth, not a lie. Hey, if they don’t like the real you, you shouldn’t be dating. (And if you don’t like who they are or who you are together, you should move on.) Now you can see why resting in your aloneness is so critical; if you fear it, you won’t get real in your dating relationships. You’ll just perpetuate the lie so you can avoid the possibility of being alone.

Let Time Be Your Friend

To help you get real in dating, let time be your friend. Time will help you to see whether you and the other person are a fit, not just on the surface, but to the core. Time will make known transparency or hiding, authenticity or façade, integrity or falsehood. Time will reveal what you don’t like about each other and whether you can problem-solve through it. Time will reveal whether your extended families can merge or if cohesiveness is unlikely. And if both of you are parents, time helps reveal whether your parenting styles will complement or compete.

Don’t dismiss time; she is trying to help you get past The Big Lie. Listen to her.

Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

TRY THIS

During your next date, add a bit of honesty, that is, share something about yourself that makes you feel a bit vulnerable. Notice what fears it pulls to the surface, how the other person responds, and whether it moved your relationship forward. Then decide if you’ll do it again.