Narcissism: Healing the Relational Infection in the ChurchSampl

God designed a complex network of neurological circuits to work together to help us stay relationally connected and attuned to each other. When these relational circuits are running as designed, we call this “Relational Mode.” Our emotional and relational sensitivity is working, and we look at life through a relational filter. We are emotionally attuned to other people and share their pain. In this mode our identity is stable, and we spread joy and life to those around us.

A surprising feature is that relational circuits can operate kind of like a circuit breaker. When we use too many electrical appliances at the same time in our kitchen, this will cause our breaker switch to pop. The electricity stays off until I find the breaker in our breaker panel and flip it back on. Similarly, in emotionally intense situations, my emotional breaker can pop. My relational circuits dim or go off entirely. Suddenly, I have difficulty feeling the emotions of those around me. Relationships are no longer my first priority. I am focused on stopping pain and solving problems. I am no longer processing life through the lens of relationships.

When our circuits go off, we lose our sense of connection to people. We have difficulty sensing God’s presence too, and we even lose our sense of connection with our bodies. This brain state is called “Enemy Mode,” because people start to feel like enemies to be defeated or problems to be solved. Most of the time, these “enemies” are people we usually like, but, at that moment, don’t seem to be on our side. I might even snap at my mother if she steps on my toe.

One of the first skills we learn in full-brained discipleship is to detect when our relational circuits have shut off and learn how to turn them back on. Before doing anything else, and especially before doing something that is relationally challenging—such as resolving a conflict—we need to first revive our relational circuits. The first step in any spiritual exercise must be to inspect our relational circuits and ensure they are on. Our spiritual practices will be ineffective when these circuits are not working. Transformation depends on our relational circuits running smoothly.

When we are in Enemy Mode, we can start to act like a predator. When acting like predators, we hijack the circuits in our brains that notice weakness in others, and use them for a purpose God did not intend. He designed these circuits to help us show compassion for weakness and treat others gently—to act like protectors. In Predatory Enemy Mode, we use these circuits to stalk prey.

The narcissist brain operates in this predatory Enemy Mode. A relational person notices weakness in others and feels compassion, but narcissists devour the weak. When we advance ourselves by tracking the weaknesses of those around us, we are operating like a predator. We quickly divide people into “us versus them,” and the “them” are used as stepping stones. A person working under the authority of a narcissist may go from “one of us” to “one of them” in an instant.

People in this predatory state evaluate others in the light of questions like: “How can I use this person to my advantage? What can they do for me? Do they love me enough, or should I get rid of them?” 

A community that is ignorant of Enemy Mode is vulnerable to narcissistic influences. Members of that community may see Enemy Mode as strong leadership: “He may ruffle some feathers, but he gets things done.” A person in Enemy Mode is not walking in the character of Jesus.

If I am staying in the relational character of Jesus, I will still treat weakness of another person tenderly, even though he or she may not treat me tenderly. Tenderness requires stable maturity and training, especially if the person feels like my enemy. In order to love my enemy, I must have sufficient joy and love so it overflows to others. I must know who I am because a narcissist will use condemnation to corrupt my identity. I will not fall for that deception if my group identity is well-developed, and I’m trained to reject condemnation. 

Now you understand why our relational maturity is so important. Jesus commanded us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matt. 5:44). Praying for someone who feels like an enemy helps us share their pain, which is the path out of Enemy Mode. When our pain-sharing circuits get turned off, we must bring them back into full operation to exhibit Jesus’s character.

Narcissists will resist receiving healthy correction. Since they are unable to feel special through relationships, they rely on accomplishments, position, and attractiveness. They use self-justification to defeat anyone who may seem to threaten their sense of being special. These strategies cause them to live most of their lives like a predator. They view the people around them in two ways: either people make them feel special or people are threats to them.  

Discussion Questions:

1. Read Matthew 5:44 and Luke 6:35-36. Why is it so important for us to learn to love our enemies?

2. How do you reflexively treat your enemies? Why is that your reaction?