Resilient and Redeemed: Lessons About Faith, Depression & Suicidalityنموونە

In the Psych Ward, but Loved by God

Ice-cold shame crushed my chest with its suffocating weight as I regained consciousness in the hospital psych ward. I slowly replayed the suicide attempt in my head. My pain, confusion, unresolved grief, and anger still waited for me. Nothing had changed. I went through the motions of taking whatever medications they placed in my hands, eating the food put in front of me, and zoning out in front of the television. But after a few days, everything changed.

There in the middle of the psych ward, in the middle of my perfunctory existence—God spoke to me. I didn’t hear an audible voice, but it might as well have been out loud. God spoke into my heart, “I still love you.” I argued with him about this stunning revelation. “You can’t love me—I tried to die by suicide. I’m a mess. I don’t even care if I’m alive right now. I don’t want to talk to my wife or kids. I don’t even love me.” And I heard it again: “I still love you.” God didn’t engage with any of my arguments. He didn’t do anything but declare his love for me, despite my current situation.

My pastor came to visit me the next day. I felt sick to my stomach, and I’d convinced myself that my pastor only came to heap condemnation on me. I only kept going because my current pastor seemed to be the type of guy who might not kick a brother when he’s down. When I got to the room, Pastor Marty gave me a fierce bear hug. Then he said, “I’m sorry things got so rough for you that you felt you had nowhere left to turn. I’ve been closer to that place myself than I’d like to admit, and I know how it feels.” Then Marty looked me straight in the eyes and said, “We can’t have this happen again. Your family needs you. Your church needs you. We need you. The church isn’t the full church without you in it. And God’s not done with you yet.”

Life should be seen as a gift from God. We can trace this idea back to the Garden of Eden. God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. He gave them a purpose and told them to get about performing that purpose. It’s the same with us. We have a purpose, and we are to go about doing it. When God sees that we are at the end of our rope and despairing of life, he guides us to rest and physical recovery as he did with Elijah. Then he invites us to engage with him out of a place of intimacy. In intimacy, we can make our laments known to him. He will listen, and then he will give us a job, like he did with Elijah. And he will give us the strength and courage to move forward into that destiny.

When you read about how God treated Elijah when he felt deeply depressed and suicidal, what emotions do you experience?

This plan was adapted from another resource. Learn more at Resilient and Redeemed - Baker Book House