Fighting Shadows by Jefferson Bethke and Jon Tysonنموونە

The Superpower of Friendship

Faced with the realization of my own loneliness, I (Jefferson) started doing some research. I do this when I am facing a problem. I can’t stop asking, What’s the solution? Is there an objective way to find friends, or at least to understand how people become friends? I wanted to understand, not just out of curiosity but because I realized I didn’t have many friends who could truly “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). I had acquaintances and guys I could call in emergencies, but all my male friendships felt like they were on the wrong trajectory, getting more depleted with each passing year.

As it turns out, there is some robust research into friendship. One study I found compelling began in 1934 and is still going today, called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Over time, the data has been rock solid in demonstrating one very specific thing, surprising even the researchers: strong relationships matter more than just about anything else. They affect outcomes for men’s lives more than IQ, social class, and money. Of all the metrics these researchers have been tracking, relationships have had the most bearing on the men’s satisfaction levels.

Let’s rephrase that in a more personal way. As you think about the next twelve months, what do you see as the best use of your time? Spending energy on a business start-up? Focusing on physical health and exercise?

Of course, those things are important. But the best use of your time in terms of how much it will impact your life—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—has been verifiably shown to be investing in deepening your relationships.

How? Another set of research I saw revealed the three key ingredients that make friendships strong: proximity, unplanned interactions, and vulnerability.

When I first saw that, I did a double-take. Proximity (simply being near each other) and unplanned interactions (running into each other without a calendar invite)—are these really the biggest factors in developing strong relationships (along with vulnerability)? Yes, that’s a great place to start.

And yet, most things in our culture fight against those simple but foundational ingredients for healthy friendships. In our next entry, we’ll explore several ways to fight back.

Thank you, God, for the value you place on friendship, and for the strength and grace you will provide as I seek to build stronger bonds with brothers. Amen.