Making Marriage Meaningful Through Conflict Resolution نموونە

Any authentic relationship will have its share of challenges from time to time—sometimes for longer seasons than we’d like to admit. When we run away from conflict, we’re shying away from a revealing teacher. Conflict can bring to light our triggers, attitudes, and communication skills. It reveals where we’re holding on to anger and pride. It uncovers unresolved wounds or deeply held resentments. When we’re teachable, conflict produces growth. The key to successfully addressing concerns in marriage consists of several things: your timing and tone, choosing to fight fair, and taking the time for honest self-reflection with King Jesus.

Talking about marriage is a vulnerable endeavor. It’s deeply personal. Marriage can be sticky, joyful, and at times really painful. I’m not an expert. I am, however, someone who has learned great lessons from heartache. I’ve decided there are only so many times I can say to myself, “Man, I wish I would’ve handled that differently.” The Lord has been my Shepherd and guide. This is written from a place of practice. These principles have richly blessed my husband and me. My heart is to share these lessons with those who want to make their marriage more meaningful.

Timing:

Have you ever said the right thing at the wrong time? God has shown me wise timing is one of the most powerful tools to employ when addressing concerns and resolving conflict. The Holy Spirit has taught me when to address a matter and when to hold off until a better time, which can be the difference between friction and peace. In Proverbs 25:11, we’re given a verse to meditate on. The Christian Standard Bible’s translation reads beautifully: “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.”

We often think of bright shiny red apples when we hear “apples of gold.” In middle eastern cultures, this referred to the citrus fruit the orange. When oranges are juiced and stored in a silver pitcher, the acid of the orange's juice oxidizes the surface silver in the pitcher and creates a silver colloid solution (colloidal silver). Colloidal silver is one of the most powerful natural anti-bacterial, antiviral medicines known in ancient times. It has also been used in modern times orally to treat illness and topically in dressing wounds. So, this proverb is saying that when a word is spoken in the right tone, with the right motive, and at the appropriate time it can bring healing.

So, when is the right time to address a concern? The short answer is it's between us and God. An intimate understanding of my spouse has been incredibly helpful in discerning the proper time for conflict resolution. There are usually clear signs when it’s not a good time to address an issue. Observe your spouse’s workload, mood, and body language. Pause and contemplate, are they battling physical, mental, or spiritual exhaustion at this time? Are they battling with frustration and anger? Have they had an extremely hard day at work? Or, does this time of the year trigger certain emotions? Is the issue worth addressing at this time? These questions also apply to your own emotional state. Ask yourself, “Am I in the right state of mind to broach a big topic?” If not, pray and wait.

We can look to Queen Esther as an excellent example of wise timing to follow. We see Esther draw near to God with three days of fasting and patience. And although the Book of Esther doesn’t mention prayer, it’s safe to assume she prayed fervently before approaching her husband King Ahasuerus (a.k.a Xerxes I). Even with the threat of genocide, she didn’t allow her fears and anxieties to dictate when she would address her concerns. She trusted God’s timing.

Practical wisdom for life leaps off the pages of Proverbs. In Proverbs 13:3 (NIV), it says, “Those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” Acting rashly means we lack careful consideration for the consequences of our words. Consequences could range from not being heard to finding ourselves in a heated argument. Neither of those are good options.

I’ve learned sometimes it’s easier to wait than to seek forgiveness later for an argument that got out of hand. When we combine speaking the truth in love with the patience of proper timing, we’ll see good fruit in our marriages. There’s no denying that delaying a conversation can be extremely difficult. It’s an exercise in the fruits of the Spirit. It’s the ultimate practice of dying to self. I remind myself just because there’s a burning desire to address something, it doesn’t mean it needs to happen right this minute. An uncontrolled vent session isn’t the healthiest approach.

If I’m honest, at times, I can become mentally preoccupied with an issue, which draws me to a constant dialogue with Jesus regarding my concerns. Jesus can handle my venting—and He can handle yours. The Book of Psalms is full of venting and complaints. The Bible gives counsel to those who have words brewing and bubbling in their mouths, just waiting to spit them out. It teaches how a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back (Proverbs 29:11). When we wait on the Lord’s prompting, He’s faithful to guide and direct us on the best time to approach our spouse.

Meditate:

Proverbs 25:11 (NKJV): “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”

Proverbs 13:3 (NIV): “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

Galatians 5:22–23 (NIV): “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Esther: Explore Esther’s behavior at the end of chapters four, five, and seven.

Pray:

Dear Lord, please lead me in Your perfect timing! Ease my fears and anxieties so I don’t rush to speak. Show me if I have any unrealistic expectations of my spouse. Fill me with the fruits of the Spirit so I may reflect Your loving character in my marriage. Lord, let no corrupt words come out of my mouth, but that which is good to uplift and give grace to my spouse (Ephesians 4:29).