Reflections for the Grieving Soulنموونە

I will praise the Lord at all times; my mouth will continually praise him. PSALM 34:1 NET

Amy died on a Sunday. She spent the last week of her earthly life in a coma, sometimes groaning, sometimes crying, never opening her eyes, unable to move or speak.

It was awful, Jesus. You know. You were there.

On the Friday before her death, I had Amy’s favorite worship music playing near her hospital bed. It was just You, me, and Amy in the hospice room. And Kalley Heiligenthal of Bethel Music singing “Ever Be” softly over my tinny little speaker.

I wonder, Can I sing this worship song, right here, right now, in this heartbreaking place? Do I have it in me to promise God that I will continually praise Him, no matter what?

I opened my mouth, and a dry, cracking sound came out. I looked at Amy, already more gone than here. My throat constricted, and I started weeping (again).

She was so small, my girl.

But Kalley Heiligenthal kept singing, so I tried again.

“Your praise will ever be on my lips,” I rasped through tears. Not good enough, I told myself. Either you mean it, or you don’t. Make up your mind.

So I swallowed once, twice, and opened my mouth again.

The words came out right that time. I won’t say they were strong or loud (because You know; You were there), but they were firm. I could tell I meant them. In that moment, a moment worse than I could ever imagine, King David’s words were still true for me.

I will praise the Lord at all times . . . .

I discovered later that David wrote those words while in enemy territory, in a place where his life was in imminent danger. Apparently his situation was so desperate that he had to pretend to be insane in order to escape . . .and still he sang praise to God.

I’m going to be honest. My singing praise to Jesus in that moment didn’t help me feel better. When I was done, sorrow still filled my soul like a dirty glass spilling ugly water inside all of me. But it was important for me to look at the woman I loved most in this world, the thing I loved more than my own body—the person I’d loved for longer than I could remember—to watch my own life dying within her tiny frame and to know that even then, even there, I could still remember that God is good.

God is always good.

So, Lord, I will praise You at all times.

When my eyes are filled with tears, when my heart is ruptured and my head throbs from sorrow, my mouth will still, forever, continue to praise You.

PRAYER FOR TODAY Lord, I will praise You at all times— even today, when I just don’t feel like it. Because it really is true: You are always good. Amen.