Desperate for Hope: Questions We Ask God in Suffering, Loss, and Longingنموونە

The question we’re considering in this plan is, How can God love us and let us suffer? We wonder why He hasn’t rescued us. In John 11, we learn the reason Jesus didn’t rescue His friends from their heartache was so they would see the glory of God and believe in Him. But for most of us, that answer feels unsatisfying—until we experience it.

When I was twenty-weeks pregnant with my second child, during a routine ultrasound they discovered that my unborn son had a rare heart condition that would require surgery at birth. On April 8, 1997, the day we learned of Paul’s problem, I wrote in my journal: “It will turn out for the best—we just don’t know what that is—but You do.”

Paul’s first surgery went better than anticipated, and I was sure that God had great plans for Paul’s life.

When Paul was seven weeks old, we took him in for a routine checkup and saw a substitute cardiologist who took Paul off most of his medicine, declaring that Paul was healthy and fine without it. We were thrilled. Yet two days later, Paul screamed in the middle of the night and went limp in my husband’s arms. We called 911, but it was too late. Paul was dead.

We were shocked. I wanted to process this pain with God, and I desperately wanted to hold onto Him in this loss.

The day Paul died, my journal entry read: “Please use this for good in my life and everyone’s life that knew Paul or even knew about Paul. Give me your comfort because I feel empty inside . . . I just want to scream.”

Why had God let me hope with a successful surgery and then let Paul die in the end? What was the point of faith if God wasn’t going to rescue me? My Bible stayed unopened as I pulled away from God, wondering if I could trust Him anymore.

Four months later, I wrote in my journal: “I’m glad when people talk about Paul, but it’s hard to hear that his death brought them closer to God. Did he have to die for everyone else’s good? I feel empty and alone. I ache.”

It bothered me that Paul’s life and death brought people closer to God; Paul felt more like a principle, not a person. One day I was aimlessly driving, empty and depressed, and finally asked God to help me. I put on a worship song, and in an instant, the presence of God filled my car. When I turned off the music, the sense of God’s presence intensified as I felt surrounded by the glory of God. He was everywhere, and I was overwhelmed by His presence. That moment changed everything—the truths about God’s love and comfort that were once academic became breathtakingly real.

Through Paul’s life and death, I understood that I was loved and held, but not rescued. I still don’t understand why God chose to take Paul when He did, but I do know that glimpsing God’s glory anchored my faith.

Read John 11 one more time, then spend some time writing a letter to Jesus, telling Him all that is on your heart. Write your questions. Share your disappointments. Be honest.