The Flirtation Experiment: Putting Magic, Mystery, and Spark Into Your Everyday Marriageنموونە

The Faith Experiment

Phylicia

Truth be told, I was stumped. Faith. That’s not a very flirty topic. I could not figure out how to show Josh my faith in him—my belief in his character, his vision, his personhood—in a new and special way. Further, I wasn’t sure I completely understood “believing in” a person at all. After a week of trial and error, I gave up and asked Josh bluntly at the dinner table.

“I am doing an experiment on you,” I said, sliding the soy sauce to the side. “I was planning to show you how I have faith in you. Belief, I guess. But I don’t know what that looks like. Like, what does it mean to have faith in a person? Or—I guess—you?” 

Most people would be stopped cold by learning they’d become a glorified lab rat, but Josh breezed past that confession.

“I think . . . I think believing in someone is like being their cheerleader.” He adjusted the baby on his lap. “Believing in what they’ve decided to do.”

“Okay, but what does that look like practically? Like, how could I—or another wife—show a husband that belief? Or”—I grimaced slightly— “be a ‘cheerleader’?” 

He replied, “I mean, it’s different for every marriage. But for me, it’s things like ‘That workout looks really hard; good job!’ or noticing when I have followed through on something.” He stopped to think, then gave an intriguing distinction. “It means a lot when you thank me for things. For instance, ‘Thanks for doing your quiet time with the Lord,’ but the difference between this and thankfulness is that faith recognizes something I decided to do of my own accord. Thankfulness feels more like recognizing something you wanted me to do. Which is fine; it’s still meaningful. But it’s different.”

I left the conversation, mulling over Josh’s perspective. Never would I have perceived “thank you” as potentially guilt inducing (which isn’t what he was saying but could be inferred). I was in a predicament: because I’d asked Josh directly what constituted faith in him, he would know what I was doing when I tried it out. This made me hesitate—but why?

The reason: I didn’t want to be told what to do, then do it. I thought my actions would have less meaning since I didn’t think of them myself. I fell for the age-old marital lie that displays of love must be completely spontaneous. It’s the lie that says we must implicitly know what our spouse desires—without asking them, without seeking specifics, and without being “told” their inmost needs. I’d been handed a blueprint for how Josh liked to be loved, but I didn’t want to follow it because it “wasn’t special.” 

Tucked into the famous love passage in 1 Corinthians 13 is an attribute of love we often miss. We blow past it, carried by “Love is patient and kind” to “Love never ends” without pause. But there, between bearing burdens and stalwart hope, is a love that “believes.” Other translations say love “always trusts” (e.g., NIV). I think we can safely gather that love gives the benefit of the doubt to those it reaches.

One of the hardest practices in marriage is this extension of trust. Believing in the goodwill of our spouses requires an incredible amount of forgiveness and self-awareness. After all, these are the same spouses whose words and actions hurt us at times. We can only extend belief if we understand the power of grace and are aware of our own failings.

It is from this belief in the good intent of our husbands that we build toward belief in our husbands: truly supporting and encouraging who they are. I can’t believe in someone who I am convinced has ill intent. But I can throw all my loyalty behind a person who—though flawed—is doing the best he can.

I’ll be the first to say that this isn’t easy. My job requires filtering a lot of information through a critical lens, measuring what is true, right, and good against false, wrong, and evil. I struggle to exchange that critical eye for a believing spirit. But when I do, cheering my husband on in the goodness of who he is creates a “bond of peace” in our marriage (Eph. 4:3). 

I swallowed my pride and used Josh’s insight. Who knows better what constitutes belief than the person you’re believing in? 

Are you hung up on displaying love because you fear being “fake”? Do you think only spontaneous expressions count? If you do, you might not love your husband as effectively as you intend to. Most of us are fine with a love language test guiding our actions, but not with asking our spouses to tell us what means most to them—and then actually doing it! 

What is something your husband does that you could affirm? What is something you can celebrate and cheer on? Focus on that! Celebrate it!

Respond

How do you show your faith in your husband?

Make a list of ways to celebrate, affirm, and cheer on your husband.

Prayer

Lord, thank you for my husband. Show me how to encourage him today.