And It Was Beautifulنموونە

Big Day

Kids are so honest. Yesterday was a big day for me. My first day in public sporting my new Sinead O’Connor look, my first day wig shopping, and the first time one of my kids asked if I was going to die. I’d call that big, wouldn’t you?

I walked in from wig shopping and Harper Joy asked me if I was going to die. I looked at her and said, “Yes.” Then I invited her upstairs with me as I put on comfy clothes. Big conversations require an elastic waist. We jumped on my bed for an honest conversation. I first wanted to know why she asked me that question. She said she was swinging on the playground and a friend said to her, “I sure hope your mom doesn’t die.” Up until that moment, I don’t think she’d considered it. Up until that moment, she had only enjoyed the fruits of cancer: lots of people and lots of love.

This was a special moment for Harper and me. I spoke honestly that I would die, that she would die, that death is a reality for us all. I asked if she knew where I would go when I die. She said, “Mommy, you will go to be with Jesus in heaven.” I asked her if I did anything to deserve that and she said, “No.” I told her how Jesus in His goodness placed His love on me, and that Christ paid it all for me and for her. We talked about cancer being very scary. I told her the doctor has a good plan, but only God knows how long I will live. I told her it was okay to be sad. Then my sweet Harper Joy cried. And so did I.

I wish I could take away the fears of this sweet, tender-hearted little girl. But I can’t. I encouraged her to talk to the One who cares for her every breath. Even though it hurts to watch your children suffer, I know He has plans for her good through this suffering. There are a lot of hard parts to this, but that is probably the hardest. The kids are trying to be positive and brace, but every day I look less and less of what they’ve known me to be. So we’re all doing the best we can, trusting that Scripture means what it says, that God’s grace is sufficient. That God’s grace is enough.